Chiquita Plans World Domination, One Flavored Banana at a Time

Chiquita International Brands Inc. is trying to become the Starbucks of bananas. Whatever the shit that means. According to the AP story in the Sun-Times, Chiquita is planning a “ larger, creamier or sweeter banana.” Can we please never say or write “creamier banana” again? That’s just really disgusting for no reason—like the word “larvae” or “cubicle” or “moist.” Eew.
Chiquita is also considering adding other fruit flavors to their bananas because banana-flavored bananas are so 1999.

For competitive reasons, the company would not specify flavors it is researching and declined to reveal how different sorts of bananas would be created other than to say the fruit would not be genetically modified.

President and CEO Fernando Aguirre says that because people buy Starbucks coffee, they probably want...flavored bananas. “'What we used to pay 50 cents for, we are paying 10 times more for now. I think if someone could do that for coffee, we ought to be able to do it with bananas.''’ Eh, we’re still thinking about “creamier bananas.”