Heifer Held Hostage

Chicagoist is perplexed by the sudden epidemic of artificial livestock thefts. Colonial Cafe in suburban Elgin reported its 3-foot-tall, 300-pound cement cow stolen over the weekend.

Now, the thieves are demanding a $500 ransom! An unidentified man called the restaurant and "said to stuff $500 in a hollow tree on Kimball Street in exchange for the cow's return."

While the restaurant has considered paying the ransom to ensure the safe return of their bovine statue, Colonial operations manager Clinton Anderson explained, "We don't know where it's at. One of our loyal customers went to look for a hollow tree, but he couldn't find one."