Alan Keyes, Don't Let the Door Hit You Where the Good Lord Split You

Alan Keyes! Alan Keyes! Oh, we'll never tire of writing about him. That laugh-a-minute homophobe is a website author's best friend—as long as he stays in the "news," the yuks pretty much write themselves. What's up this week with Mr. Illinois? He's moving! Woot woot.

Let's recall…Keyes was crashing in an apartment in lovely Calumet City, and despite getting bitchslapped at the polls, he promised to stick around and help Illinois rebuild its Republican Party. Yeah, that's exactly what they need. More of the ever-popular Alan Keyes. Anyway, he had that apartment in Cal City, but according to one of his neighbors,

Keyes slipped out of town the Friday after Election Day. She says Keyes began moving items out the day after the election, had a moving truck load up on Thursday night, and was gone on Friday morning.

So sad, so sad. A Keyes spokeswoman told WBBM that he's got a pad downtown, still has the place in Maryland, and travels all the time, so he's hard to pin down. Hm, traveling all the time, with multiple residences...can you say double life? Or spy drama? That would rule.