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We don't get to gag much when we read the day's news, but it is very special to us when we do. Today it was extra special because we almost yacked in our mouths. If you haven't already, you may want to grab a wastebasket or air-sickness bag.
Children were scouring Rainbow Park,3432 E. 76th St., on the South Side for hidden Easter eggs on Sunday and, underneath a tree, happened upon a pale-blue bucket wrapped in a Depends pad. WBBM and NBC5 reported that inside the bucket the tykes found what was possibly a fetus and placenta. Yeeee-uhkk!
We called the medical examiner's office and were sent back and forth through their phone system. After a number of redirects, we spoke with a curt administrative assistant (she gave us her name but emphasized that it was "not for print") who told us that test results say the remains were of "unknown tissue" and that no death certificate would be issued. We asked her what this means exactly, but she let us know that she can only read "...what's on the paper."
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I haven't seen that anywhere else yet...so does that mean Sam (and by extension, Chicagoist) has broken some news?
EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT CHICAGOIST!
This is horrible. I'm teaching my children never to approach buckets wrapped in Depends on Easter. Never ever.
But if you've ever read Augusten Burroughs' Magical Thinking, he has this passage about picking up his dog's poo and putting it in plastic bags on the lawn of his country house...and then hearing the shrieks of neighbor children when they came upon the glittering bags of poo.