Ask Chicagoist: Train Manners

Hi,
I have been trying to impress a certain girl on the red line. But every time I eat a combo, I get au jus all over my shirt and drop soggy bread on my shoe. What is the proper way to eat combos while riding the red line?

much appreciated,
daily chicagoist reader

Dearest DCR,

Hm. Your question brings up two very interesting topics for Ask Chicagoist.

The Combo. Whilst enjoying the scenic views from the Red Line, the very best thing you can do is to keep the combo sealed as tightly as you can in plastic, until you have safely and comfortably reached home. Then, sit down at the table; eat the combo with a napkin in your lap. This simple method* will add years to the life of your shoes, prevent grody stains from arriving on your pants, and save your fellow CTA passengers from the revolting spectacle of food spillage that you have described.

Which brings us to the certain young lady on the Red Line. Bear in mind that just because she’s attractive, and riding public transit, she is not necessarily waiting for you to approach her. In order to find any success in this venture, you will need to 1) get her attention and 2) impress her in a way that is not creepy. You will want to take this very slowly. Here is a step-by-step plan, which should be followed over the course of several days. Or better yet, weeks.

Are you making eye contact with her? Does she register you as familiar at all? Make eye contact, but do not stare.

What does she read on the train? Find out. Then read the same thing. She’ll notice the coincidence and realize you have something in common. After a time, she will notice that you are wooing her. (This approach might backfire if she only reads Cosmo, but you might learn something.)

Then, one day, say hi.

The next day, say hi.

Day three, say hi.

(Continue this pattern as long as it seems necessary.)

At some point it will be very normal to talk to her. You will no longer be completely random. But because you are, in fact, a random guy from the train, don’t expect any of her personal details for a long time—she will likely be cautious to share her digits until she’s pretty sure you’re not a serial killer. And keeping the drippy sandwich in its bag will add points to your legitimacy.

Best of luck; you’ll be ordering combos for two in no time!

*This information can be applied quite liberally -- to include all but the tidiest of finger foods, and to public transit lines of any color, number or form.

Need advice?
E-mail ask(at)chicagoist(dot)com