Pssst ... Stop Shitting Everywhere

We were on our way to work this morning and happened upon this hilarious story on NPR about our capital city hiring a “bird whisperer” to handle a bothersome pigeon situation downtown. Slow news day, we thought. But then the plot thickened. Jim Soules, owner of Soules Bird Repellant Co., gets paid to ward off birds from various Illinois cities, and he claims to do so without harming the creatures in any way. All he says about his methods is that he doesn’t shoot, poison, or trap the birds, or use lights, sounds or smells to scare them off. The 84-year-old has “whispered” for the city of Decatur already, and Springfield just signed the guy up to a 3-year $164,000 contract.

Soules is signing $164,000 contracts to get rid of birds, and the people hiring him don’t even know how he does his job. The guy is, quite clearly, brilliant. Apparently he includes clauses in his contract that ensure he won’t be pressed for information about his technique or closely monitored while on the job. Coca-Cola wouldn’t give away their recipe would they, Soules asked NPR.

The fine people of Springfield have commented about Soules’ price tag, and pondered his secrets. The contract runs through March of 2009, though the city can cancel Soules’ services at any time and forfeit any money already spent. The funny thing is that the city doesn’t know what Soules' plans are, or when he and his team of bird shoo-ers will begin. In the meantime, we’ll be waiting for the day when Mayor Daley gives Soules his first seven-figure contract.