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Just when we stop thinking about Daley's tax plan, we start thinking about today's impending announcement of the CTA budget. It's enough to drive us into a booze-enabled sobfest, but given that it's around one, we'll have to comfort ourselves with something more appropriate, like laughing. Enter Schadenfreude's fun and cheeky 20 alternate
taxes. Our favorites? "$35 tax on eating hot wings on El," "A 30 cent tax every time the El stops, everyone gathers by the door, then it moves four feet and THEN opens its door," and "$50 tax on every Walter E. Smithe commercial joke that doesn't make sense."
We'll add $50 tax if you want to appear in your own commercial--Peter Francis Geraci (pictured), we're looking at you; a $1,000 tax every time Sneed announces someone's birthday but identifies them as "ageless," which drives us crazy; and a 10 cent tax on every lawn chair you use to reserve your dug-out parking spot.
OK, your turn.
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$.10 every time someone who doesn't know anything baseball puts on a Cubs hat and exclaims how much they love "the cubbies."
a 10 cent tax on every lawn chair you use to reserve your dug-out parking spot
Make it $10 if you use a box of detergent.
$15 tax for every asshole passing on the right at a stop light.
And a $25 tax for every thing someone driving a Hummer is doing. So if they're talking on their cell, balancing a Starbuck's cup and a McDonald's Sauasage and Egg biscuit while dialing up directions on TomTom there's an easy $100 right there!
A $5 tax on every Chicagoist commenter who suggest critics of the city "love it or leave it," and an extra $5 if they suggest the critic is from Schaumburg or Naperville.
$5 every time a cyclist ignores a 1) stop sign 2) stop light 3) one way
A $2 tax on use of the word "hipster"
All of the above are worthy taxes, in my opinion.
A $50 tax for standing on the left side of an escalator, preventing those that want to walk up from doing so.
A $100 tax for balking at entering a revolving door as someone else is coming out, thereby reducing flow through the door. This one will, of course, hit suburbanite visitors the hardest.
$1.50 tax on the word "douchebag"
$10 tax for not moving to the back of a crowded bus (there's SEATS back there sometimes!)
$35 for every time you say "this is my last winter in Chicago" when it gets cold
$50 tax on ironic mustaches and/or sideburns
I agree with all of the above, except for the tax on "douchebag". Starcrunch may have found a good revenue opportunity, but I get the feeling we're all going to need the word "douchebag" a lot in the coming year. I'll certainly get whacked if that passes.
I think that a $2 per person surcharge should be imposed on out of town Cub fans who (a) take the El; (b) cluster in a large clueless horde on the platform right by the elevator or stairs; (c) move like a large clueless horde into the car right by the the elevator or stairs; (d) stand right in the door of said car, apparently unaware that the car has a middle.
This summer, I was embarassed, as a lifelong Chicagoan, to observe that Cardinal and Brewer fans appear to have a better handle on taking the CTA than suburban Cub fans do.
Another excellent tax: charge Richie Daley a buck every time he publicly says "ev-ey" instead of "every" and "on-ey" instead of "only." We'd get the iliterate douchebag's salary back by April, which would be cool, because he never earns it. (Sorry, Starcrunch, I'll send the City $1.50)
And, as Guest #10, I'm properly ashamed to have misspelled "illiterate".
$100 tax for each time--at any zoning hearing or community meeting--that a developer uses talks about the need for "progress" or "improvement" of a site.
That tax shall be doubled when the developer has donated more than $2000 in the past year to the local alderman.