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Put Down Your Nanowrimo And Leave The House
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We promise we love many elements about the Christmas season: the festive decorations, the spirit of togetherness, the delicious foods ... but other elements make us want to stab our eyes out. At the top of our list are awful Christmas songs. While there are some songs that make us reminisce about our childhood (anything from the A Very Special Christmas album is fair game), there are others that almost induce involuntary vomiting. We polled the Chicagoist office to compile a list of the Worst Fucking Christmas songs, and here's what was said. (You can wage your own bets about which Chicagoist writer said what):
"'Jingle Bell Dogs' rapes my eardrums."
"It really scares me when mommy kisses Santa Claus, I find that song really disturbing."
"I really hate Sufjan Stevens' 'Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!' Come to think of it, I also hate almost any cover any indie band has ever done of any Christmas song."
"'I'm Gonna E-Mail Santa' by Billy Gilman & Rosie O'Donnell. Ugh, it's starting to creep back into my head, I need to get some GNR in iTunes, stat."
"'JINGLE BELL ROCK. I fuckin' hate that song!"
"'Grown-up Christmas List.' That is, undeniably, my most hated."
"'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' makes me want to buy a car specifically for the purpose of vehicular homicide."
"Whitney Houston's 'Do You Hear What I Hear' scarred me as a child. I'm still recovering."
"The 'Christmas Christmas Time Is Here' by Alvin and the Chipmunks makes me want to kick puppies."
"'Dominick the Donkey.'" (Really, that's all that needs to be said.)
But the overwhelming majority of us agreed on one statement about a particular Christmas tune: "Why does no one ever mind that 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' is about date rape?"
The neighbors might think /// Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink /// No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how ///Y our eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell /// I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir /// Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried //// What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay /// Baby don't hold out
We're going to go lock our doors now.
Happy Holidays!!
"Crappy Christmas" photo from c0reyann.
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Where did you get the idea that "Baby It's Cold Outside" is a Christmas song? It's a cold weather song, that's all.
And if you every listen to the Ray Charles version, there would be no question that this is absolutely NOT a date rape song.
@Ferdy:
That may be true, but the way Dean Martin sings it, he might as well have a backwards white baseball hat with his Frat's letters and a pocket full of Flunitrazepam.
And 98% of all Christmas music sucks. You also forgot "Feliz Navidad"... the offical christmas jingle of satan.
The only stuff I care to hear are
-Handel's Messiah Chorus (True Story: Handel has a severe case of bipolar disorder and wrote this massive opera about the life of Christ in ten days with little rewriting)
-"Little Drummer Boy" (Johnny Cash and the Bing Crosby-David Bowie versions only)
-Anything off the Peanuts Christmas Special soundtrack. Seems to totally capture the whole bittersweet feel of the season to me.
Everything else can eat it.
Um, read the lyrics, she's saying no, no and he's sayind don't hold out. She's trying to put on her gloves and coat while he's taking them back off. Lyrically it is a little creepy.
Well, we could say that Baby Its Cold Outside is MOSTLY played at Christmas though right? Like Let it Snow and such. I think we can assume its a christmas song, because thats when you hear it.
And, the dude is trying to get her to stay, she's saying she has to go, he's grabbing the hat off her head! Dude wants to touch her inappropriately, whether Ray Charles is singing it or not.
"Whats in this drink?" Hello Rufie McCreepy!
Christmas song to me indicates the celebration of the holiday, not the winter season. Every season has its songs, and I'm not interested in having every song for winter dubbed a Christmas song--not my religious philosophy, and don't start with the secular holiday nonsense. We all know it's Christ - mas.
I think the song is suggestive in a very nice way, seductive. They end the song singing together, "Oh but it's cold outside." Why take a playful song and turn it into a Red Alert? Grinches.
Lest we forget, the Band-Aid special, "Do they know it's Christmas after all?" Putrid.
Or, better yet, Paul McCartney's "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time." Though, it reminds me of crossing over the GWB to my Grandmother's in Queens, so that's kind of cool. But still, terrible. You got the wrong guy, Chapman.
dave: we bandied about Macca's "Wonderful Christmastime" at length. we just couldn't come up with something witty to snark about it.
Ferdy: It all depends on the interpretation. The Ray Charles/Betty Carter and Louis Jordan/Ella Fitzgerald versions are examples where the female duet partner's interpretation trumps the lyrics. The argument could be made that she's being coquettish, but in this day and age of social awareness, it's a stretch.
As far as your other issue with the song vis a vis being lumped in with Christmas songs: as one of the editors of this site I value your loyal readership. But please try to reconnect with your sense of humor over the holidays. This is one of the last things for someone to get worked up about.
"The Little Drummer Boy" is really just a stupid song. UNLESS it's being sung by Grace Jones on "Pee-Wee's Christmas Special." Then, it's freakin' awesome.
@Dave:
FUCK! I forgot about that song. Sweet Zombie Jesus, I hate that song.
Here's a fun debate: Did "Wonderful Christmastime" totally destroy McCartney's rep as a decent songwriter, or did it leave something left for "Freedom" (that terrible Post-9/11 "tribute" where he just chants "Talkin' 'bout FREEEEEEEEDOM!" for a solid five minutes) to crap on?
I can say that I've never heard Let It Snow in February. Or Baby Its Cold Outside in March. I hear them at Christmas.
However, I did have Baby Its Cold Outside on my Nano for a long time, so would listen to it all the time! Because I love it, even if it is a date rape song.
Wonderful Christmastime is the worst!
SpookHatesPuppies:
I just think it proved how a once-powerful and influential person can capriciously use his powers for evil. Everything after that is just shit-flavored gravy.
My favorite rendition of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a cover by John Lithgow and Bebe Neuwirth (who played Lilith in "Cheers" and "Frasier") on an NBC Christmas album ... because it allows for the existence of this line:
"But Bebe, baby, it's cold outside!"
(I suppose it's funnier if you hear it.)
"do you know what i know? do you hear what i hear?" yeah. i know i hear a song that sucks. screw whitney houston, andy willams was sucking up that song a long time ago.
and little drummer boy? you can rum-pum-pum yourself somewhere else. blah.
i LOVE 'rockin' around the christmas tree' by brenda lee. i could hear that song once a day, all year round. and like every great rock and roll song, i think it clocks in under 2:30, always leaving me wanting more.
My favorite rendition of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a cover by John Lithgow and Bebe Neuwirth (who played Lilith in "Cheers" and "Frasier") on an NBC Christmas album ... because it allows for the existence of this line:
"But Bebe, baby, it's cold outside!"
(I suppose it's funnier if you hear it.)
Chuck,
I think it's this day and age of "social awareness"--whatever the hell that means--that needs to lighten up, not me.
Also, I have a sense of humor, but when it comes to the 1,000 "Merry Christmas" greetings and "Put your faith in God" about a challenge I have in life right now by well-meaning people who don't know how incredibly uncomfortable they make me feel, I lose it fairly quickly.
I love Sufjan Stevens's "Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!" because it's simultaneously completely sarcastic/ironic (satirizing every silly "holly jolly Christmas" type song ever) and also serious fun, in the "hey, actually, maybe it's not so bad to take some time to just be silly and have fun after all" kind of way.
(Actually I love most of Sufjan's Christmas music.)
What I hate, though, is ANY version of "Jingle Bell Rock" or "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." By anybody - doesn't matter which, they all suck. The songs are just too egregiously stupid to be saved.
Also, Paul McCartney should lose his knighthood for the crime of "(Simply Having a) Wonderful Christmastime."
And I seriously thing Barbra Streisand's utter ruination of "Jingle Bells" was an attempt by her to destroy Christmas altogether.
I love Sufjan Stevens's "Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!" because it's simultaneously completely sarcastic/ironic (satirizing every silly "holly jolly Christmas" type song ever) and also serious fun, in the "hey, actually, maybe it's not so bad to take some time to just be silly and have fun after all" kind of way.
(Actually I love most of Sufjan's Christmas music.)
What I hate, though, is ANY version of "Jingle Bell Rock" or "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." By anybody - doesn't matter which, they all suck. The songs are just too egregiously stupid to be saved.
Also, Paul McCartney should lose his knighthood for the crime of "(Simply Having a) Wonderful Christmastime."
And I seriously thing Barbra Streisand's utter ruination of "Jingle Bells" was an attempt by her to destroy Christmas altogether.
(ugh. Sorry for double post. First one said "server error" when I posted, I promise...)
I happen to love it, but I'm a sick black-hearted bastard, but Weird Al's "Christmas at Ground Zero"
Yeah, it's about a nuclear war coming on Christmas.
Lines like
"It's Christmas at Ground Zero,
and if the radiation level's ok
I'll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on New Year's Day"
I play it every year while trimming the tree.
The video, made up of 50's era civil defense films, is wonderful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGdrMOttV_s
I happen to love it, but I'm a sick black-hearted bastard, but Weird Al's "Christmas at Ground Zero"
Yeah, it's about a nuclear war coming on Christmas.
Lines like
"It's Christmas at Ground Zero,
and if the radiation level's ok
I'll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on New Year's Day"
I play it every year while trimming the tree.
The video, made up of 50's era civil defense films, is wonderful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGdrMOttV_s