Toe-tally Bogus, Man

By Margaret Lyons in Miscellaneous on Feb 19, 2008 6:23PM

Today's article on "toe reading" got us thinking. About...so many things.

This utterly unquestioning profile of local toe reader Gabrielle Loomis might as well be a press release about bullshit. We're not against people having a little fun or whatever, and god knows we love a good parlor trick, but when the headline of an article is "Do toes know your story?," how can the first line be anything but "no"?

To have your toes read, Ms. Loomis looks at your tootsies and asks you questions about your "path." She charges a dollar a minute and recommends hour-long sessions--which she can also do over the phone, which we guess leaves the toe-describing up to you.

Maybe you can toe read yourself: Your big toe is your "ether toe," aka "destiny toe." If you're confident, you have a straight ether toe. Toe numero dos is your "air toe," aka "communication toe," and the way it's shaped indicates how chatty you are. Your middle toe is the "fire toe," which toe readers apparently call the "just to do it or not toe," which we find quite scary. It reveals your procrastination tendencies. Next is your "water toe," which describes your relationships, and finally pinkie toe cries whee whee whee whee all the way home. Just kidding, that's your "earth toe," which is all about relationships. Your right pinkie "hold[s] a person's deep beliefs about about money and sexuality issues while the left is the 'trust toe.'" True story: I once nearly ripped off my "trust toe." (It was hanging on by just skin.)

According to toereadingonline, "The toes of people who have had more challenging lives will appear 'toe-tied', depicting the lumps and bumps of the personal and emotional lives they have lived up to this point in time." You thought your hobbit feet were a result of pinchy shoes, but no--they're a result of your damaged emotional life.

Kitty toe-reading by Skwanksalot