Area Soldier Killed In Fort Hood Rampage
Stroger Makes Hollywood Play
Put Down Your Nanowrimo And Leave The House
Sox Shuffle Continues
We figured that, with Mark Prior gone and Kerry Wood relegated to the bullpen, we'd be without the bizarre and frustrating injuries with which to taunt the Cubs fans in our lives. We should have known better.
There was Mark DeRosa's "broken heart," which he had surgically repaired this week. Then Alfonso Soriano broke his swear finger. But the strangest? Felix Pie missed time because of a "twisted testicle" (!) (bottom of article).
So exactly how does one twist a testicle? [Ed note: Gently!] Was this an on-field injury because he forgot to wear his cup? Some sort of team hazing-related injury? An overly eager U. of A. coed? While we've seen plenty of injury reports listing groin pulls, we've never seen a case of twisted testes before.
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I believe it's called testicular torsion, but that involves both testicles twisting around each other...as seen on Adult Swim's Venture Brothers. Maybe Pie only had one jacob twist around in place? Either way it sounds awful.
He has long balls. Needs the No Fly Zone underwear.
You guys, obviously, haven't run in the humid heat before. Sometimes, after riding my bike to work in the Summer, I have one twisted 3 or 4 times around itself. I have tried everything from ice packs (for continual shrinkage) to heavy doses of Gold Bond Medicated Powder...
nothing seems to work
The headline:
Long Balls a Problem for Pie
Pie's got his balls in a bunch over Spring Training.
Good lord Joe ... that sounds, well, awful.
All snickering aside, this is quite painful, as you might imagine. It is indeed called a testicular torsion, and one or both testicles may be involved. Everything in your body moves around, and occasionally things get kinked up. If they don't get un-kinked soon enough, bad things can result: For instance, a wonderful couple of weeks where your teste swells up to 3 or 4 times its original size, hurts like the devil, and then slowly starts shrinking. But, since the swelling was part of the testicle's dying process (did I mention if not fixed right away, bad things happen?), it keeps right on shrinking over the next six months. Smaller and smaller it goes, until they surgically remove it.
How do I know all this? It happened to me in high school. Not fun.
Incidentally, it can happen to women, too: An ex-girlfriend of mine had an ovarian torsion and had to have emergency laparoscopic surgery to remove it.
OK, stop cringing and go back to snickering...if you can!
Sox players would get this problem too if Benjy wasn't always holding them.
SOMEONE needs to hold the Sox's balls. Those things are huge.
Why would you want that released to the press? What type of questions will the press ask him: So Felix, how are your balls?