Chicagoist: Ed Burke vs. Fast Food, Round 5 (or 6, We Forget)

gasman

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:06:57 -0600

Alderman Ed Burke is an idiot, and he makes us all idiots by not getting rid of him. Let's do the math . . . Reporter: Mister Ed, that's a beautiful mane of silver hair you have there . . . growing out of your ears. Mister Ed: (whinnies) All the better to not hear you with my foolish peasant subjects. Reporter: So you want to ban fast foods, trans fats, foie gras, cigarettes, make us live in a bubble, and . . . Mister Ed: (stomps his front hoof) Wait a minute, I never said I wanted to transvestites! Reporter: No, you're majesty, I said "trans fats". Mister Ed: (up on hind legs bucking violently, crushes reporter to death) NOBODY CALLS THE KING FAT, I'M ED BURKE, DAMMIT! Citizen: Your Highness, I'm one of your lowly constituents that bows to your hierarchal right to be our leader and manipulate everyone and everything, but as us lowly peasants tend to do from time to time, I was just wondering, are any of the labels and menus in fast food restaurants printed in Chicago? Mister Ed: (sneers) No, you dolt! I chased all the industry out of Chicago long ago. All that stuff is made in China . . . BUT . . . you've got to grease my Irish henchmen if you want to actually get it INTO Chicago as we control . . . ummmm . . . let's call it . . . "distribution." Citizen: Are you talking about the hired trucking scandal and Pete Andrews. Mister Ed: No, you . . . thinker! What's wrong with a woman run business??? Citizen: Huh? Mister Ed: Shaddap! Mister Ed: Now do something useful, like scraping the droppings out of my hooves! Citizen: Ok, but if no money will be brought into Chicago by having these menus and labels printed the extra-special-super-duper way you want them for you to make us all safe and healthy because you love us so much, then how will we find the money to "fix" the broken City Council that doesn't always vote 100% with you like they are supposed to? Mister Ed: (shaking his head up and down twice and dripping drool about) We'll just have to threaten everyone and backstab them more viciously until we shake the money out of their pockets. Citizen: And won't all the money that the City of Chicago would have made from tourists and people driving through Chicago also be lost when they can't just stop at a quick fast food restaurant on their way through Chicago to buy our City favorite, the famous "McBaconPizzaStuffedTacoBurger double-dipped with extra non-trans-fat-but-trans-flat-flavored-grease and crisco infused-special-frosting" without having paid for an application to take your trans-fat IQ test, studied, passed, and awarded a license eat what they want, then obtained a notarized letter of clearance from a Board Certified McCardiologist of your Highness' choosing (who has obtained a special certificate himself from the Council), and having then proceeded to attempt and decipher your carefully encoded hieroglyphic menus, just to have the privilege your Supreme Greatness grants us in allowing that we may now pay the jacked up prices the restaurants have now been forced to pass on to us in our attempt to eat less expensive food that that which you have put extra tax on already in all the other restaurants? Mister Ed: (drooling all over Reporter's head) Yup! Citizen: So no revenue to the City of Chicago there either, right? Mister Ed: (dropping a grass-laden-load out the back end) Nope! Citizen: And didn't you just ban all the cigarettes too, and weren't they amongst the highest taxed thing in the City of Chicago to begin with and didn't they bring a lot of money from outside the City of Chicago into the City's Revenue department? Mister Ed: Yup, saved you from those evil tobacco companies too who aren't smart enough to make my henchman a distributor of their product for your peasants. Citizen: So you got rid of that bad revenue too, because you love us, right? Mister Ed: (smirking with yellow teeth and bad breath that would make your flesh melt) Yeah, that's all right. Citizen: And because you got rid of all the cigarette smokers, that means fewer smokers have been willing to come to our restaurants, and the City's gas stations have had to jack up their gas prices as well because all the people who used to buy cigarettes in the City can't afford the additional City taxes on them so they now go to the edge of town and buy them by the cartonloads at a time from the gas stations in the suburbs, which means even less and less revenue for us in Chicago, right? Mister Ed: Yup. Saved you from all that bad stuff too. Citizen: So less jobs, less revenue for restaurants, less revenue from cigarettes, less revenue for the City, less . . . Mister Ed: (blusters and snorts) Wait a minute! Not everything is “less”! You said higher gas prices, and unlike food, everybody’s got to buy gas, and so no one can get around this and higher gas prices means “higher” and higher means “MORE”! (spit flying everywhere out of his mouth) Citizen: (holding a broken umbrella and trying to remove the slime from his orifices) But that "more" is not a good “more” and it actually means "less" for your citizens because all the gas station owners live in the suburbs and take all their money out there. Mister Ed: Why . . . that’s not how it works . . . why just the other day they gave a big bag of money to Pete Andrews . . . errrr, I mean . . . sponsored Pete Andrew’s baseball team with a “charitable” donation, and they also gave all this work to Pro Excavating, his construction company. Also, they give me all their property tax appeal work over at the mighty offices of Klafter & Burke. And if any of them ever disagrees, I make their lives miserable. If any of them ever sues, I have my wife Anne tell all the judges to make them lose in court. So you see, little Jimmy, I really do have a system of making sure that the money comes into my . . . umm . . . errr . . . Chicago. Citizen: Sorry your Grace for not understanding that really all your plans save us from ourselves and save us the burden of making decisions for ourselves, and even though they bring in a lot less revenue for the City and huge losses in business, they indirectly result in gains for you through your people, so that’s good for the City, right? Mister Ed: Yeah, that's it! Citizen: But one thing I’m still confused about . . . isn't your Highest of All Holy the Chairman of the Finance Committee? Mister Ed: (whinnies) Of course I am Holy Chairman of All Things Money for the City! Citizen: So if we lose all these chief sources of revenue in all your plans, but somehow you are supposed to have the job of bringing in more revenue and balancing our City budget and all that, where will all the money come from to fix our roads and to pay for that lovely stainless steel bean and park you created for tourists . . . err . . . your most Holy of Supreme Beings who knows best for all of us lowly and mindless grunts? Mister Ed: (preoccupied with swatting flies with his tail) Why . . . I'll just raise your property taxes again you fool . . . don't ask such stupid questions. Citizen: Genius Your Greatness! That's why you are a common man of the people and why we "elected" . . . I mean . . . why we bow to your God-given right to be our Supreme Leader and watcher of our hard earned money! Mister Ed: (donkey-kicking the citizen who is cleaning the droppings out of his hooves upside the skull) What! "God-given right???" How can I give myself a right? I am the only one with rights! Someone call my personal security guards on the City's payroll . . . or better yet, grab my sidearm pistol I have authorized to carry but outlawed for all of you peasants . . . these damn hooves don't have an opposable thumb to hold anything! Someone get me a carrot damn it! Chapter 45 of a book I’ve commissioned called, The Tales of Tails of Mister Ed: A Corrupt Donkey

Spook

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 08:50:38 -0600

Chicago, a tiny rusted tumb tac, that barely keeps the midwest from blowing away like so much dust!

matilda

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:27:46 -0600

Pinko: Touche. At least you have a funny comeback, which is all I ask.

peacebaby

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:17:39 -0600

Pinko--that post made my day. Merci. and tilda...uptight and crabby? really? When people generalize the Midwest, that's never the stereotype they hit. We're the nice ones. and finally Spav, I like the diet New York line. tis perfect.

Spav1

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:04:55 -0600

Bread and circuses Tilda. Get over it. Rome didn't crumble in 4 yrs or 8 yrs. I think it will be just fine.

Pinko

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:59:21 -0600

Yippee-ki-yay!! I stand corrected... And I would agree--we do need to direct more of that anger toward our leaders and apathetic fellow citizens--especially the apathetic citizenry. But as us cowpokes are fond of sayin', "You can lead a horse to water..." Now pardon me, ma'am, while I mosey on outta here...

matilda

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:43:26 -0600

"I'm guessing you weren't born anywhere in the Midwest, were you? You're way too uptight and crabby..." Born and raised in Illinois, and proud of being from the Midwest. I wonder how many Midwesterners you know if think they are not uptight or crabby. Hell, look into the roots of the post Civil War progressive movement--you will see a lot of uptight and crabby people from the Midwest. So, wrong answer for you, cowboy. I wish more people were uptight and crabby about more than fucking beer specials and which band or TV shows or eateries or trends are best. We need more anger in the public sphere lest our Republic decay even more. We need to direct that anger toward our leaders and our apathetic fellow citizens. Or, do you like getting ripped off? Instead, we argue about trivia, and pretend to be nice.

curmudgeon

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:31:37 -0600

Maybe they can find a way to dispense the drugs that they collect to people who can't afford their meds. What a concept!

curmudgeon

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:30:21 -0600

Maybe they can find a way to dispense the drugs that they collect to people who can't afford their meds. What a concept!

fed up

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:13:05 -0600

The city council of chicago is a joke this is what happens when people have to much time on there hands. perhaps ed burke could help pick up garbage in his ward or help fill some potholes then he would finally be doing something useful.

A2

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:07:31 -0600

As someone who has the option of living in either city, I much prefer Chicago to New York.

The Meteorologist

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:04:32 -0600

Man, this reminds me of that stupid foie gras ban. I miss that stuff, even if the only place I could afford it was at Hot Doug's.

Anthony Todd

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:04:21 -0600

My feelings about labeling aside: I'm a proud Chicagoan who ALSO despises the constant New York envy that seems to plague us. The comment was simply meant to indicate that this issue was all over the news months ago, when a number of cities jumped on the bandwagon, and that now it seems a bit anticlimactic to be bringing it up again. I

ScotchAndSofa

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:58:26 -0600

As someone who did grow up here - thank goodness - and have traveled to NYC regularly, I can honestly say I have no envy towards NYC or the garbage bags and trash that you have to walk through on the sidewalks or the poor ass graffiti on every public surface. So much hype, for no good reason. Keep the hate outta Chicagoist!

Spav1

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:57:48 -0600

Chicago is like Diet New York. And I am OK with that.

jmagic

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:57:48 -0600

Matilda/Slap: As someone who did not grow up here either--thank god--I agree 100%. And it's cute how Chicagoans pretend they don't care about New York. There isn't a reason to care about New York other than it's a city on the East Coast. Oh, and New Yorkers think that if the city vanished from the planet that the world would not be able to carry on without them ... but that's their charm! L.A. is a different matter as most of the people who live there are oblivious to the rest of the country around them.

Pinko

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:56:26 -0600

As someone who did not grow up here either--thank god--I agree 100%. And it's cute how Chicagoans pretend they don't care about New York. I'm guessing you weren't born anywhere in the Midwest, were you? You're way too uptight and crabby...

Pinko

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:53:37 -0600

As someone who did not grow up here, one of the first things that struck me about Chicago was its blatant New York envy. I don't know if I would call it envy. We just think we're better than them and tend to be rather vocal about it...

matilda

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:47:31 -0600

Slap: As someone who did not grow up here either--thank god--I agree 100%. And it's cute how Chicagoans pretend they don't care about New York.

Spav1

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:45:20 -0600

How are my comments so far this week Chuck? Constructive? The prescription drugs in water thing is exactly like when people started freaking out because Swett 'N Low caused cancer in rats. Rats that were given the equivalent of like 800 diet cokes a day. The water is fine, no one is sick, they are trace amounts. We should be more concerned about what is in the meat etc.

Slaphappy

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:40:58 -0600

Why are we "behind" on this one? Because we failed to enact legislation that NY did? If NY jumped off a bridge, would Chicago too? As someone who did not grow up here, one of the first things that struck me about Chicago was its blatant New York envy.

Prescott Carlson

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:39:39 -0600

Show of hands, how many people don't take all of their prescriptions and dump the rest into the toilet? Anybody? Even throw it in the garbage? At least Stroger decides to make his knee jerk responses by reading the newspaper, which apparently Burke can't even be bothered with. From the Sun-Times story, the real way these substances make it into the water supply: "People take pills. Their bodies absorb some of the medication, but the rest of it passes through and is flushed down the toilet. The wastewater is treated before it is discharged into reservoirs, rivers or lakes. Then, some of the water is cleansed again at treatment plants and piped to consumers."

Spav1

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:31:07 -0600

Maybe Ol Boy really believes in like, consumer rights or something? Isn't it all about Informed Choice and Responsibility versus Government Control? All this information is READILY AVAILABLE on the wrappers, or online. What's the big deal? But, Tilda, I certainly don't believe that the alderman advocating this is corrupt for this reason.

mss2400

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:27:16 -0600

I'm warning everyone again....we need to stop our city council and mayor from imposing these stupid laws NOW. They are never going to stop this nonsense unless the people rise up!

Chuck Sudo

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:26:50 -0600

Has it been a week? Anyhoo, the second item about pharmaceutical drop-off points is a knee-jerk reaction to the reports earlier this week about finding trace pharmaceuticals in other municipal water supplies. It doesn't address what it should, which is to figure out how to test for and filter out those drugs during water purification, which are being flushed into lakes and rivers.

shameshameboy

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:23:20 -0600

@ Spav1 We're behind NY in attempting to enact a superficial law that that creates the false perception that our aldermen actually merit the public trust they've been given. We usually lead the pack on that sort of thing.

matilda

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:22:30 -0600

What is the city council good for besides stupid crusades such as this and taking bribes from developers? A more useless, spineless group of lawmakers would be difficult to find outside Russia's Duma. You know, if you don't know what food is bad for you by now, you really are hopeless.

peteypants

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:15:03 -0600

local and smaller restaurants can offer food just as unhealthy as chain ones, so why would they be excluded from the proposed ordinance? at the supermarket, EVERYTHING has nutritional information but i guess that was more of a federal measure.

A2

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:11:55 -0600

Wait, fast-food isn't good for me? What are you people trying to say?

Spav1

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 12:59:01 -0600

Why are we "behind" on this one? Because we failed to enact legislation that NY did? If NY jumped off a bridge, would Chicago too? All this information is available online and on the wrappers.

jjjjjj

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 12:50:39 -0600

Uh, Anthony? Did you know fast food is bad for you? All of it? And that we all learned that in third grade? Why spend all the money and resources when we ALL know what we should be eating (but choose not to): fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Why can't people just take responsibility for their diets? Does it really require an act of government?