Maybe "Born to Lose"?

Kerry Wood needs a theme song. Now that he's a closer, he gets to pump up the jams, pump it up, on his way to the mound. We wish other professions came with theme songs. Like if every time Mayor Daley did something, the whole city heard a snipped of "Family Affair," or the Family Ties theme song.

As our friend Pete put it, Kerry Wood is sort of a tough fit because "there is no song called 'I was supposed to be awesome and then my arm started to malfunction and maybe it is all because of the one time in high school when I threw a 300-pitch game.'" Well, not yet.