We're Sorry, Too.
By Staff in News on Aug 25, 2009 7:20PM
When we received word that the Mayor was going to apologize his way back into our hearts tonight, and apologies would fall from the heavens like manna, we here at Chicagoist took the opportunity to look into our own hearts and wonder what a totally rueful City Council and County Board might look like. Then we got into the gin a little early and it all went off the rails. We all know that when the Mayor makes a move, everyone else scurries to follow his lead - so, without further ado, our predicted wish list of regrets follows - and then it's all yours.
DONNA DUNNINGS: I'm sorry that when I meant to say "No, can you clear these plates and can I get a refill on my iced tea," Tony Cole heard "Would you like a high paying job on the county payroll where you don't really have to do anything but can collect a huge paycheck provided by tax?" That was my bad. I probably mumbled or something. Anyways, sorry about that.
ALDERMAN HELEN SCHILLER: I thought those rowdy young men were having a good time. I thought it was some sort of new crazy dance the kids do these days. I didn't know I've allowed my ward to degenerate into mob violence. Sorry about that!
ALD. BERNIE STONE: I'm sorry, I know that what I do in the name of Chicago government IS your damn business but when I sai-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....
OPRAH: Hey, remember "The Secret?" God, I was loopy that week. Anyways, I take it all back, that stuff is pure unmitigated crap. Sorry!
KANYE WEST: I'm sorry for making those fugly red shoes, and to the feminist ladies for sending a bad message by dating a woman who seems to hate clothes.
BILLY DEC: I'm sorry for whoring myself out to try and bring the certain financial disaster of the Olympics to Chicago - and for not inviting you to kick it with me and Nick Cannon last night!
DICTION AND PUBLIC SPEAKING SKILLS: Mr. Mayor, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made all my rules so tough for you to follow.
BARACK OBAMA: While I'm sorry you don't think I'm a citizen, I'm not really sorry about not acknowledging this whole foreskin thing.
ANNA DAVLANTES: I'm sorry I'm just too damn dreamy to stay in this market. See ya!
MIKE ROYKO: I'm just sorry I'm not around to write about all this shit. Jesus, this is gold!
CITY WORKERS: We're sorry that we have to take days off because you jerkstores can't get your spending in line.
TODD STROGER: I'm sorry, I think that was me. I seem to have soiled myself.