Betty Loren-Maltese Is Coming Home, And We're Helping Out

By Karl Klockars in News on Feb 15, 2010 10:00PM

Really, it's almost too easy to poke fun at Betty Loren-Maltese. The former town president of Cicero is back in the news today and since she's been reduced to crashing at a Salvation Army Halfway House, we thought we'd try to help her think around some corners in terms of employment.

Considering she owes 20% of every paycheck back to Cicero to pay off the $8 Million she racketeered from her time running the town, it's in the best interest of the citizenry to have her employed. Also, it never hurts to keep another former public official off those mean streets they never seem to be able to clean up, as you know how politicians are prone to recidivism. So, what's a Cicero boss to do?

We're not sure what kind of resume you can produce after 7 years in prison and a career bilking residents of one of the shadiest suburbs known to man or beast. But dammit, we just want to lend a hand. After the jump, a few thoughts addressed directly to Chicago's newest unemployment statistic.

• Considering you used some of the cash to buy a horse farm, Betty, how about an animal caretaker? Since the gig requires a "very flexible schedule," it might depend on when you can get a day pass, but it could work.
• Anyone that can wrangle a way to get millions of dollars, illbegotten or not, knows a thing or two about raising funds. So how about some potential karma-rebuilding at the same time as earning yourself a paycheck as a professional special event coordnator and fundraiser? Considering you very likely turned a few stomachs during the time you ran the town, how about paying it back by helping the digestive systems of Crohn's patients?
• That golf course you apparently purchased might be a good bit of job experience if you decide to apply for any number of links-related openings. Just get your BASSET certification and a sanitation class under your belt, and you could be earning $10 an hour dishing out drinks on the green of the 9th hole in Aurora! There's a polygraph requirement, but what do you have to hide at this point?
• And it has to be said: We know you know a hell of a lot about laying on the makeup. Make that experience work for you as a makeup artist and sales associate!
• Finally, karma demands that you at least put in an application to work trash detail in beautiful Cicero. It's doubtful that you'd get this gig, but it would be beautiful poetry indeed to have you cruising a garbage truck picking up the filth of your former fiefdom.