Chicagoist Playlist: The Worst Christmas Songs Ever
By Samantha Abernethy in Arts & Entertainment on Dec 6, 2012 7:00PM
Last year we did a playlist of Christmas Songs That Don't Suck. This year we decided to make you a playlist of Christmas songs that DO suck because all we want for Christmas is to never again have to hear Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." Bonus: Click through the gallery for a selection of terrible Christmas music videos.
Give the Spotify playlist below a listen, but we suspect you'll be hitting "skip" more often than not. For discussion purposes, we've identified the major characteristics that make Christmas tunes terrible.
Creepy
We could've made you a whole list of the worst renditions of the date rapey classic "Baby, It's Cold Outside." Seriously, how many times does she have to say no? We limited our playlist to this version by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, America's former favorite Newlyweds. The same goes for "Santa Baby," of which we had to include two: Madonna and Michael Buble's "Santa Buddy." Other entries in the creepy category include Clarence Carter's "Back Door Santa," Lady Gaga's "Christmas Tree," Newsong's "Christmas Shoes" and Vic Dana's "Little Altar Boy." Can we stop talking about how Grandma got run over by a reindeer and call the cops? Because we all know Grandpa totally did it.
Played Out
Sure, at one point we probably were "simply having a wonderful Christmas time," but now we've had enough. There was a time we enjoyed Wham's "Last Christmas," but it was more than a few Christmases ago. And yes, for most of the 1990s (and again after Love Actually was released) all we wanted for Christmas was to sing that Mariah Carey tune in the shower. Can we please get at least one season off now?
Uncharacteristic
Bob Dylan, why did you ever make a Christmas album? You're better than that. Beach Boys, leave "Little Saint Nick" alone. How can you even celebrate Christmas when you're so busy surfing? Former Iron Maiden frontman Paul Di'Anno will lose much metalhead respect when you listen to his version of "Another Rock n Roll Christmas." There are artists who have celebrated the holiday spirit in song without betraying their usual style, i.e. Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and Paul Simon's "Getting Ready For Christmas Day."
Excessively Commercial
Mariah Carey gets a second strike against her for remaking "All I Want For Christmas" last year as a duet with Justin Bieber. And then at one point it sounds like all Biebs wanted for Christmas was autotune. There's no reason for that. And then take Gloria Estefan's "Love On Layaway" — was this tune sponsored by Kmart? Because if not, we don't understand why anyone would be putting things on layaway, let alone emotions.
Cheesy/So Bad It's Almost Good
Peace, love, happiness, fat men with beards... Christmas easily lends itself to kitsch. It wouldn't be a Christmas song if it weren't at least a bit corny on its own. For example, the New Kids On The Block tune "Funky, Funky Xmas" is good campy fun, and so is TLC's "Sleigh Ride." That whole thing about "Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey" makes us a little uncomfortable, though, and so does the version of "Jingle Bells" composed of dog barks.
Overboard
We know you have a good voice, Christina Aguilera, so you don't need to beat us over the head with it. Zooey Deschanel, making your singing voice more warbly does not make you more quirky. Other culprits include Celine Dion, Michael Bolton, Destiny's Child, The Supremes and Mariah Carey — that is your third strike. You're out.
Honorary Mention
The novelty of Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" wore off a decade (or two?) ago. We don't know which version of the song should be retired first.