Here's The Best 'Bike For Sale' Classified You'll Ever Read

By Chuck Sudo in News on Jul 10, 2013 9:40PM

Our heads are still spinning after reading this ad on Craigslist from someone selling a single speed bike. It's a hilarious ad that traffics with impunity in the cliches of fixed bikes, Wicker Park hipsters and Lincoln Park frat boys.

The bike, nicknamed "Orange Crush," is "a single speed masterpiece of orange, matte black, and tasteful touches of chrome" built from a customized bike kit that, according to the owner, is "the only fixie in the city that scores major hipster cred yet STILL will look great hanging on the exposed brick wall of your River North loft."

We love the way the ad's writer tries to insult people into inquiring on the bike.

You're a Lincoln Park/Lakeview bro.

Your abs are courtesy of crossfit and your dimpled smile is courtesy of God's good grace. You pull wool at Sheffield Garden Walk, Epic, State, Castaways, and the bleachers like a motherfucking sheep herder. Shit, last month alone you notched each school in the Big 10 (except Northwestern, of course) and three chicks from Miami (Ohio, of course). The posse calls you 'The Machine'. You drive a Range Rover that may or may not be paid for by your dad/trust fund. You're the fucking man.

Right?

Then why are you so... lost? Empty? And dare I say... unhappy?

Because inside that chiseled cover boy of privilege exterior, you're a fucking hipster.

There. It's out there. You're a hipster.

Instead of chasing tail at McGee's on Thursday night, you'd rather be at Handlebar with two thin mustached gentlemen who eschew deodorant and a chunky with a bull ring discussing who sold out after Pitchfork in 2009 or what cassette you just picked up at Bric a Brac Records or the goddamn line at Danny's on Saturday, all while squeezed into a pair of skinny jeans so tight your balls are at DEFCON 5.

Yeah.

That's right. I know.

It's that fucking transparent, bro.

The ad does have its errors, of course. The bike isn't a true fixed-hub cycle but a single speed, if the rear brake is an indication. (Although the rear wheel could be reversible, which is more Lincoln Park than Wicker Park.) And the writer doesn't refer to Wicker Park's most famous intersection as "The Crotch."

But it is a beautiful bike, we have to admit, and it can be yours for a cool $250—we'd throw in an extra $50 for the ad copy. But the owner advises "Shorties and Napoleonic Complexes need not apply - this bike is an XL frame. Come long and strong, or don't come at all. Ain't got the time to watch any of you custom-hemmed jeans types try to touch the pedals."