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Slathering Republicans All Over Kerry Wood Has Never Tasted Better

By Margaret Lyons in Food on Jun 24, 2004 2:01PM

2004.06.24.hotdogs.gifKerry Wood's Fastball Franks hit the shelves today in grocery stores all across Chicagoland. Wood teamed up with Vienna Beef to endorse the athlete-friendly fare, and part of each purchase goes to Children's Memorial Hospital to help fight childhood cancer. According to the Vienna Beef "Editorial" section, "Chicago Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood takes three things seriously: pitching his smokin' fastball, working to raise funds and awareness that benefit childhood cancer treatment and research, and grilling up a great hot dog." Say what you will about men named Kerry—he's got his priorities in order.

2004.06.24.ketchup.gifLove Kerry Wood, but not quite so hot about another Kerry? Juice up your next frankfurter with some W Ketchup, whose website asks, "You don’t support Democrats. Why should your ketchup?" Oh, snap on Teresa Heinz Kerry. Suh-suh-suh-snap. Fucking Republicans won't let you order just one bottle, though; if you want one, you gotta buy four. By all accounts, that's a ton of ketchup. Chicagoist has had the same bottle of ketchup in our executive fridge for like three years. Maybe you can use it up at your Ronald Reagan Memorial Bar-B-Q. Also, a copy editor at the Red Eye Streak needs a kick in the pants: the site is, and there's no H in Teresa. Somebody's getting booted from the glamour-train of Scurrilous duty.