Chicagoland Residents, Making Us Proud

By Margaret Lyons in News on Jul 6, 2004 5:37PM

At least one Chicago reveler managed to escape just this side of a Darwin award.

On the Northwest Side, a 19-year-old Chicago man suffered serious head injuries after he put a powerful firecracker under a fire hydrant cap, "curious" as to how high it would go, police said. The hydrant cap shot up, came back down and slammed on his head.

Somebody at AP or the Sun-Times deserves an award for that paragraph—the subtle artistry, the quotes around curious, the no-nonsense sequence of events....That is a thing of journalistic beauty. The man received medical treatment at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center, but he might lose an eye.

Another area assmonkey put ignited fireworks through a mail slot in Calumet City. Yeah, it was just a random act of violence, but a 76-year-old widow lived in the house. Though she was able to call 911, she not breathing by the time firefighters arrived. She is currently in stable condition, and the 16-year-old who put the fireworks in her mail slot was arrested shortly after the incident. Let Chicagoist go on record with this: that is all kinds of fucked up. We suggest celebrating the way we did, with a day of barbecue-cruising (free beer) and a night of speed-quarters (more beer). God bless America!