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Airport Sexy-Time!

By Rachelle Bowden in News on Sep 17, 2004 7:29PM

Marilyn Monroe - Photo: somebuddy.caIn response to fears of terrorists smuggling explosives aboard an airplane, federal security officials have called for an increase in the number of manual frisks on passengers at airports starting Monday. Manual frisks--that sounds sexy! You dogs!

These manual frisks will allow the open-hand technique, much more effective than the current back-of-the-hand technique (especially for the reach-around and spooning), on passengers selected for extra screening or those wearing suspicious clothing. Four U.S. airports, including O’Hare, will also check driver’s licenses, boarding passes and other documents for explosives residue.

The Transportation Security Administration is also testing a "portal" that will blow puffs of air on passengers and test that air for bomb residue. Again, talk about sexy! Just think, women at the airport in dresses and skirts walking into some sort of air-blowing plastic bubble and holding down the front of their dress while giggling coquettishly.

Increased airport security measures for humans are fine and dandy, but what’s being done about terrorists of the avian variety? We'll tell you. Nothing! It’s so typical of a government that refuses to think outside the box in this new type of war. Al Qaeda will not strike the same way twice. That goose ran itself into that plane’s jet engine pretty easily. What’s next you ask? Not bombing the El, not remote control helicopters, not crop-dusting the nation with anthrax--it’s bomb strapped birds. We Americans have been oppressing birds for far too long. They are willing Qaeda recruits ready to die for the cause. Shit. We better call Tom Ridge. (Thanks Sam!)