Obama Wins Big

By Margaret Lyons in News on Nov 3, 2004 5:01PM

OK, we're not dealing all that well with…y'know…so we're going to start the morning off right with a few digs at Alan Keyes. How do you know you've been watching too much local news coverage? When Alan Keyes shows up in your dream. Looks like Chicagoist and Blagojevich have something in common. Worst. Dream. Ever.

Anyway, Carol Marin thinks Barack Obama is the new Paul Simon, which sounds like a downgrade to us because everyone else seems to think Barack Obama is the new Jesus. Look, yes, we're all very excited, but get a hold of yourselves! Jeeze louise.

Obama whupped Keyes—newsflash—with 98 percent of precincts reporting, Obama won 70 percent, Keyes 27. We especially liked this headline.

Like exit polls? We're kind of wondering how 5 percent of people who identified themselves and democrats and 8 percent who identified themselves as liberal managed to vote for Keyes—whatever you guys are smoking, throw some this-a-way. We also really like the question, "Are you a white conservative Protestant?" That shit cuts right to the chase. Well done, pollsters. Except all we can think about is the exit-poll sketch from Daily Show last night. Heh.

Did anyone else think Obama's speech was a little weak? We thought he lapsed in and out of validity, and we'll cut him some slack because he must have been really excited, but uh, no one cares about your brother-in-law's girlfriend, even if she's really awesome, which we're sure she is. Some moments were dead-on, like, "I think what we've shown is that all of us can disagree without being disagreeable," or "We will not be measured by the margin of our victory, but we will be measured by whether we are able to deliver concrete improvements to the lives of so many people all across this state," but some of it was just…meh. At least Alan Keyes finished it off classy by not giving a concession speech. Nice, dude. Really nice. No one likes a sore loser. Or a psycho homophobe puritan, apparently.