Weather, Gender Identity, Bar Pick-ups...Same Ole, Same Ole

By Margaret Lyons in Miscellaneous on Nov 12, 2004 5:38PM

Are your testicles clinging unusually close to your body? Ours sure are. That's because it cold. It's actually 4.3 degrees above normal, but our testes haven't noticed. No, friends, the winter chill is upon us. If only this chill…were tied in…with weather history…>>swirling dream music from a cruddy sitcom<<

"Fall 2004's chilliest weather couldn't have arrived at a more appropriate time. Friday marks the 93rd anniversary of Chicago's largest day-to-next temperature plunge on record." What the ass? Our dreams have come true! Just so you know, on November 11, 1911, it was 74 degrees; the next day, it was a "bone-chilling" 13 degrees. Damn, Motha Nature, that bitch be powerful.

So what else is going on in nature news? Scientists (well, one at least) have discovered that women like men who touch other men. BUT NOT men who get touched by other men, so watch yourselves. What other techniques can you hapless fellows employ to snag babes at bars? Try "long glances toward women and moving around the bar."

Wow, Chicagoist could totally be a scientist, because…wait, something's coming in on the ticker..deet deet do deet deet… yes, this just in: you should look at women if you want them to talk to you. But please, whatever you do, remember that women are helpless, inherently stupid, and cannot possibly think for themselves. The woman quoted in the S-T article offered this liberating tidbit:

Make the first move, but wait for the right moment to approach the girl… I can't tell you how many times I've flirted from a distance in a bar, and the guy never comes up to me or makes a move. It's so disappointing.

Seriously, and our corset is digging in to us soooo bad, and our stupid chaperone is such a hassle, and can't we just hang out in the parlor and lament the fact that we can't read or vote or anything? When's the magic lantern show?