The Chicagoist will be launching later but in the meantime please enjoy our archives.

Land of Lincoln? Prove It

By Margaret Lyons in Miscellaneous on Nov 26, 2004 7:22PM

It's the biggest shopping day of the year, so we thought we'd offer you all some shopping tips. We say "all," and we mean "serious, serious Abraham Lincoln aficionados." Tis the season, mofos.

Lots of people think the Gettysburg address goes 'Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers...' but it doesn't. It's just 'our fathers.' image: abeonparade.comSponsor an Abraham Lincoln statue. So it started with the cows. And then the benches. Then the Mickey Mouses. Now Abraham Lincoln statues. We can't figure out if that's the worst idea or the best one, so we're going to hold off making the call. Anyway, for the low low price of $2,500, you can sponsor an Abe Lincoln statue in Springfield. You can even pick the design. We like the maze design (right) that goes from divided to united. Get it? If you don't want to sponsor one of the 6'4", 100-pound ridged fiberglass statues, but you do want one, you know, just for your self, you can buy one for $4,500.

But for that kind of cash, you're probably better off hiring an Abe Lincoln presenter. Perhaps Dr. B. F. McClerren and his wife Dorothy (who dresses up as Mary Todd)? Michael Krebs and Debra Ann Miller? Fritz Klein? Max and Donna Daniels? Keep in mind that this list is only a) members of Lincoln Presenters who b) live in Illinois and c) have their own websites, so…these are but a teeny fraction of the "presenters" available. Put it on your wishlist.