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Excuse Us, We Have To Go Get Our Dowry In Order

By Margaret Lyons in Miscellaneous on Nov 29, 2004 3:20PM

I Lerrrrve youDo you come from a family of assholes? Then the Sun-Times is here for you! In a story that we cannot believe escaped the grasp of the Trib's WomanNews, the Sun-Times takes on…gung gung gung…what to do when your family asks you why you aren't married.

Believe it or not, all the advice in the article is geared towards women, because all we worry about is breasts and relationships. So what's a girl to do when her family gets on her for being an unwed hussie? Let's consult an expert. Barbie Adler, president of Selective Search (already responsible for 186 marriages resulting in 73 babies!), weighs in on the toughies.

RELATIVE: So you haven't met anyone? (Translated: What's wrong with you?)

YOU: Meeting people isn't the issue. I'm seeking long term; a life partner, the right person. If I'm going to do it once I'm going to do it right.

Chicagoist, in our vast dating experience, has learned that there is no more attractive quality than the desperate need to settle (down). Seriously, it's up there with oozing genital sores as a hotness factor. But hey, at least Barbie wants us to be honest and admit that our smothering, obsessive clinginess has driven away all of our recent prospects.

RELATIVE: My friend Rose's grandson is still single too. (Translated: You both are pathetic. Talk about a perfect match.)

YOU: Don't quit your day job, Auntie, and become a matchmaker. I'll need more due diligence than that. Thanks for thinking of me, but I've already had my share of science experiments.

Ahem, Barbie? You're a matchmaker. Is this your way of saying "leave it to the pros"? Or maybe Auntie doesn't have "Unlimited Access to Attractive High-Quality Women." And she sure doesn't have such romantic testimonials as
Choosing a wife-headhunter was very important for me and I did quite a bit of research. … I thought their business model generated the best, high-quality "deal flow", and now I can attest that Selective Search proved me right. … As the Master Card advertisement says -"SSI fees: several thousand dollars. Finding an amazing partner: Priceless."

We're not even going to touch that.

Aside: The S-T article also quotes (NSFW)Katie Cleary, the second girl booted on the first season of America's Next Top Model. Katie was kicked to the curb because she was too "Miss July in a calendar," but seems to have recovered enough to promote herself as "Playboy Model Katie Cleary."