Tree Lightings That Last Longer Than 4 Hours Should Seek Medical Attention
By Margaret Lyons in News on Dec 2, 2004 8:06PM
Last night's tree-lighting ceremony (guh?) at the Thompson Center didn't quite go as planned. Governor Blagojevich, who looks more like a game-show host every damn day, was present to make everything festive and official.
In what can only be approached as an impotence metaphor, Blago led a 10-second countdown to "flipping the switch," but when he did…nada. No lights. Three, two, one, nothing. It's OK, Rod, it happens. You're just stressed out. It's OK. No, we know it's not us,[ we're dead sexy; it's totally you]. Don't be embarrassed.
So yeah, he flipped the switch, but a busted circuit breaker messed everything up. So…somebody was blow-drying their hair while someone else was vacuuming? That's what blows a circuit at our house. Rod did what he does…best?...and made a bunch of corny dad jokes. "These are difficult budget times. We're cutting everywhere, including Christmas lights," he said. Hahaha, totally funny, except not so much because you sir are more or less in charge of that shit. Less joking, more doing stuff right please.
Event master of ceremonies Allison Payne of WGN News helped out, first by asking the governor if he had paid the electric bill and then by calling for applause and asking the audience of about 100 to pretend the 25-foot-tall tree was lit.
What? What the ass? Why would you do that? Adding to the indignity of actually attending the lighting ceremony, now people are supposed to pretend the tree is lit? That's seriously degrading. That's like when the magician at a birthday party says "I can't hear youuuuuu! I said, 'helloooooo!'" and then everyone has to scream "hellooooooo" and it's fucking humiliating.
Anyway, the lights came on after a few minutes. At that point the mood was totally gone because everyone had just faked it, and seriously, people can only ooh and aah so much. The metaphor got messed up somewhere in this convoluted post, but it boils down to…
Governor: impotent
Public: faking satisfaction
Governor: making awkward joke afterwards
Public: too bored to really give a shit