Not-That-Drunk Guy Steals Jesus

By Margaret Lyons in News on Dec 6, 2004 7:12PM

Best. Article. Ever. It's not just that the story is fucking hilarious, which it totally is, but it's the way the Sun-Times approaches it in this serious, grr-I'm-a-journalist way, as if it weren't the most absurd and wildly funny story in weeks.

So a guy stole the baby Jesus from the Nativity at Daley Plaza. [Aside: what the ass are we doing with a Nativity at Daley Plaza? Anyone?] Matthew Staib, 19, is a student at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He snatched the statue around 3:30 a.m. and was apprehended shortly thereafter.

Chicago Police said Staib had been drinking before he came upon the nativity scene, although Staib said he wasn't "even that drunk.''

"I was just walking around. ... I wasn't even stealing it. I was just walking around with it. I was probably just going to set it down.''
…
Police said he didn't appear to take the theft that seriously -- saying at one point he took the figurine because he was Jewish and didn't like babies or Jesus. Staib later said he's not really Jewish and that he was joking.

This is awesomest story of all time. One wonders why he would deny how drunk he was—like when you hook up with someone really busted, don't you go to great lengths to emphasize how drunk you were? Or of you broke something at a friend's house? "I did something incredibly stupid because I was drunk. I'm sorry." It's that simple, Matthew! Seriously, you heard it here first: claiming drunkenness = best problem-resolution strategy ever. But then you had to go bring up the Judaism angle, and uh, that's just not the way to go on this.

"Central District Capt. James Knightly said he asked the Texas resident how he'd like it if 'we came and messed with the Alamo,'" which makes us want to watch Pee-wee's Big Adventure. Also, not at all similar, Captain Knightly. He didn't steal an important part of Chicago, Illinois, or American history—he stole a 3-foot statue of a baby Jesus.

And now, please, everyone, gather round for the greatest newspaper line in recent memory:

When Jesus does return, it likely will be with even more security.

Can we get an amen?