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A Festivus for the rest of us!

By Rachelle Bowden in Miscellaneous on Dec 23, 2004 6:18PM

FestivusToday is Festivus and we've been reading a lot lately about how all the cool kids are celebrating. It's easy. All you need is an aluminum pole to display unadorned. Local customs sometimes allow decorations, but they must be non-threatening plain decorations, and tinsel is absolutely banned. What? It's distracting!

At Chicagoist's Festivus party we would ask everyone invited (all of you!) to contribute to The Human Fund and the money would really go to buy bottles and bottles of liquor. Maybe a little bit would go for food too.. so that while eating we could have The Airing of Grievances ritual. And then after dinner we'd have The Feats of Strength.

The Airing of Grievances (get the form here!)
Friends, family, City of Chicago: These are the ways you have disappointed us this year -

  • Blago- We love that you live in Chicago, but the Springfield mansion is getting drafty and southern Illinois is getting pissed. You wanted to be Gov, you should live in Springfield. Also, why can't you play nice with Daley and Madigan? Democrats control Illinois government, and we've yet to see one major new government program. Isn't power supposed to be for more than press releases and security guards?
  • Daley - Nice work moving to a swank new apartment building on Randolph, but can't you do something about all the other ugly residential towers going up around downtown? Like EIGHT floors of windowless, retail-less crud on these buildings? Aren't you supposed to be the arbiter of architectural style? You disappoint us, Mayor.
  • Metro - your anti-camera policies STINK esp. for up-and-coming bands that could use the publicity from fans
  • City of Chicago - your competitivesness with NYC has led you to also charge $9.50 for movie tickets
  • Ticketmaster - your fees that are more than 1/3 of the ticket price (see Blue Meanies)
  • Airing of Grievances
  • The Burnham Plaza Theater - your place is a dump and has been for five years. Is it because it caters to a mainly college kids and African-Americans? It needs to be cleaned up.
  • Dave Matthews Band - please don't poop on us anymore
  • R. Kelly - please don't pee on us anymore
  • Cook County State's Attorney's Office - seriously, bring R. Kelly to trial already. Guilty or innocent, it's time to shit or get off the pot.
  • Whiny Voters who didn't vote - Don’t even speak to us when Bush plows your Social Security into crappy stock market index funds, we invade Syria on a whim and the CTA loses all its funding to the suburban highways.
  • CTA - you threaten our nightlife with your proposed service cuts. And exactly when is the brown line reconstruction going to begin?
  • Congress - you can't manage to pass the $10+ billion TEA3 transportation authorization bill. Want that new Fullerton stop? Should be at least two years. Fix crumbling Kennedy overpasses? Longer. Yep, Congress is lame and pathetic when it comes to this one. We are very disappointed.
  • Cubs - Will you ever make it to the Series?
  • Sox - Still being punished for the Black Sox scandal of 1919
  • Bears - It's been 19 years since you did the Super Bowl Shuffle. Also, you landed a space ship on your stadium and are now going to get your historical landmark designation ripped away. Way to go.

The Feats of Strength (Challenge card here)
We hereby throw out the challenge to any other site in the Gothamist family. We'll take you down with our kung foo wrestling moves (just ask Gapers Block!).

Join us in celebrating Festivus by Airing your grievances or challenging someone to a Feat of Strength in the comments.