Say NO! To Poncho
By Sam Bakken in News on Jan 10, 2005 7:42PM
Chicagoist's landlord is a total square. Recently he called the cops to report our New Year's kegger. Fine, someone DID jump out of our third story window, it WAS a megaphone party (you know, everybody brings their megaphone and for the entire night you're required to talk through it and each time you forget you have to do a two-minute keg-stand) and there WERE people having sex in the common area, but he totally called them in spite because he wasn't invited. He always talks to us through a megaphone and exits our apartment through the window (usually with our assistance, but isn't that just splitting hairs?).
Anyway, at least our landlord isn't as bad as Dionicio Uriostegui's. Yesterday his South Side landlord smelled marijuana in the building and called the police. We bet it's just because Dionicio wouldn't give him any (how does the landlord know what it smells like?).
Upon arrival the police found 750 pounds of marijuana in an open cooler in Uriostegui's kitchen and an unregistered handgun. And here's what's fucked up about it. The stuff wasn't even Uriostegui's! He was just watching it for "Poncho" who was in California! A judge set Uriostegui's bail at $300,000.
Have you met Poncho? We have and he's always pulling that shit. A month ago he told us he had to go "out of town on bid-ness." So he asked us to watch his kalashnikovs, a kilo of his coke and a couple of children he'd imported from Thailand. And guess who got caught with the contraband? Yea, WE DID! And the other day when he stuck his crack-rocks, pistols, scale and fake passport (we told him not to use our photo, but it's Poncho and he only listens to one man, Poncho) in our backpack, who comes walking up to us not ten minutes later with guns drawn? Yea THE COPS! We think it's high-time Poncho was held responsible for his actions. Not us or Dionicio. So on behalf of all Poncho's unfortunate acquaintances we've developed a slogan, "Just say NO! to PonCHO!" Help us get the word out.
Image via Rochester Institute of Technology