The Misunderestimated World of Tara Reid

By Scott Smith in Arts & Entertainment on Jan 21, 2005 9:47PM

It’s a slow day here at the Chicagoist offices and that inevitably leads to a lot of web-surfing and snarky comments. Today’s target of our ire: Tara Reid. We know it’s like shooting fish in a barrel (actually, it’s like shooting really large baby fish that don’t have the ability to move…in a barrel) but we can’t help ourselves.

What set us off was this AP story posted on Metromix. It seems that Ms. Reid is still mining fool’s gold from her “accidental” boob slip at P. Diddy’s Birthday Party over TWO MONTHS AGO! And while some of the blame has to be placed on the lazy entertainment “journalists” who ask these questions, it’s Tara Reid that keeps answering them.

So as a public service and an attempt to avoid any real work, Chicagoist presents Three Things That Upset Tara Reid:

1. Being Called A Party Girl: "What's the worst I've ever done? Like, get drunk and dance on a table, what's so bad about that?" The nerve of people! Now if she was getting drunk and giving out table dances then we’d understand. Then again, as she says “Fun and I go hand-in-hand." Sounds more like cheap gin and Tara go hand in hand too. If gin had hands, that is.
2. Mean People: Specifically: paparazzi and reporters for Page Six who associate her with Lindsey Lohan. By the way, doesn’t seeing a site like Female First covering news about Tara Reid seem a bit like the Child Abuse Prevention Network publishing stories about Michael Jackson? Just curious.
3. Feet: In a story filed under “News” only because there’s no section entitled “Bullshit”, Tara Reid shared her personal podiatric heartbreak which stems from having to remove her father’s shoes as a child. We suppose this wasn’t the most fun ever but our parents made us pick up dog poop in the yard when we were kids. Before it got all hard. Now that’s some trauma that will pay for your therapist’s next three vacations to the Virgin Islands.

Perhaps these delightful anecdotes will make it into Tara’s upcoming television show (last graf) that is loosely based on her loosely-defined life about a girl who "wants to be good, but she can't stop having fun!" We hear you, sweetie. Pass the Tanqueray.