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Blogging The Oscars: We Watch So You Don't Have To

By Scott Smith in Arts & Entertainment on Feb 28, 2005 12:05AM

The Pre-Show
Ah, what to say. Everyone looks so...puffy. We're watching WGN because...well, we can't find the remote honestly.

6:10 PM - Do you even have the right to complain about cheesy presenters if you're watching an Oscar pre-show? Isn't that like visting a dominatrix and complaining about the pain? Still, we have a deep burning hatred of Sam Rubin.
6:17 PM - Hilary Swank going against the grain with no cleavage display. Wearing drapes has never looked hotter.
6:18 PM - Drew Barrymore looks like Robert Smith of The Cure. That's so cute.
6:23 PM - Virginia Madsen is a class act. She brought her mom. That's the Chicago Way. But wait...she's watching a clip of herself on KTLA with Rubin...watching a clip of the Oscar nomination announcements! That's so meta!
6:27 PM - Rubin just asked Madsen why this means so much to her. My god.
6:30 PM - The obviously homosexual fashion critic working for WGN just growled when he saw Salma Hayek. He's trying so hard to be butch. "Yes, I LOVE CHICKS! Additionally, I love FOOTBALL! It's fabulous! Oh shoot..."
6:32 PM - Someone at our party just said she went to Passion of the Christ on a date. The guy was a jerk so she started cheering for the Romans so he'd be put off by her.
6:35 PM - Renee Zellwegger is looking more and more like Meg White every day.
6:42 PM - Are Melanie Griffith and Anna Nicole Smith related? There’s a resemblance is all we’re saying. Almost had a reverse cleavage sighting there too.
6:47 PM - You know, we love Cate Blanchett. She just said she thinks she has bad breath and that she'll be "at the bahhh" until her category is announced. Man, that strikes close to home. But why does she look like Olive Oyl wearing a banana peel?
6:50 PM - The Van Peebleses followed by the Gyllenhaals. The blackest family in Hollywood meets the whitest. (P.S. Maggie, call us).
6:54 PM - Oprah! Oprah! Oprah! And she's with Quincy Jones. Does Steadman know about this? Quincy Jones just claimed that the movie version of Ray Charles's life left out "all the pornography." Except um...if Ray Charles is blind, how does there braille...nevermind.
6:58 PM - OK, we're switching to ABC now. The torture is over.

The Big Show (Almost)
7:00 PM - Wait, no. We're wrong. This is an officially sectioned torture. Holy shit, Billy Bush. How is he not the most hated member of that family. Geez. Why is he yelling at everyone? They're standing right next to him.
7:05 PM - Halle Berry was just asked for tips on how to give a memorable Oscar speech. Um, cry? One question we would have asked: "So, Catwoman...seriously, why?"
7:09 PM - In honor of Sideways, one of our guests is giving a lesson on how to taste wine. Except the wine came out of a box so it's sort of like teaching a dog to spell.
7:17 PM - Scarlett Johansson says her dress is so tight that she can't breathe. So this means there's no oxygen getting to her brain. Which explains the poodle hair.
7:26 PM - ABC has officially run out of ideas. They are re-running the "Best Oscar Speeches." This does not bode well.
7:28 PM - Overheard: "Why aren't we watching Starr Jones?" "The TV isn't that big." Ouch.

The Big Show (for real this time):
7:30 PM - So we're starting with a clip montage. Oh boy. This show is going to be seven hours long.
7:32 PM - There's Something About Mary makes it into the montage. Nothing says Hollywood glamour like a bitten crotch.
7:35 PM - Puffy looks pissed at the Source awards comment. That's one drink right there.
7:36 PM - You know, that montage was OK but we were hoping for a “best of” montage of Rock’s film work: the scene from I’m Gonna Get You Sucka where he asks for “one rib” and a clip from Pootie Tang. Simma dah nah.
7:40 PM - With the line "Bleedin' all over the khakis", this has officially become our favorite Oscar monologue ever.

We're going to put the rest of this after the jump. And just in time as it seems they're about to embarass and shame the poor Art Direction nominees. Spoilers from here on it, folks.

7:45 PM - Aviator wins Art Direction. Way to start the show with an award no one cares about.
7:47 PM - Before they announce the supporting actor winner can we just ask: If Alan Alda’s in this category, why isn’t John Lithgow for Kinsey? (Right, right, he wasn’t in M*A*S*H*). It’s no great shakes to act like a corrupt politician (did he watch C-Span for research?) but moving an audience to tears over a monologue about wearing a leather strap across your genitals during childhood due to a constant erection is a pretty mean feat. When we try it, it just gets us thrown out of bars.
7:48 PM - Hey, Jamie Foxx took R. Kelly's girlfriend to the Oscars.
7:49 PM - The Old Guy Rules kicks in for the first time tonight with Morgan Freeman winning Best Supporting Actor. Too bad he forgot to tie his necktie. Dude was on Electric Company though. He deserves it.
7:51 PM - Is that the Star Trek theme? The set looks more like the ship from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
7:54 PM - Robin Williams acts wacky and uses a funny voice. Thank goodness they kept some Oscar traditions.
7:58 PM - The Incredibles wins Best Animated Film to the surprise of no one. Brad Bird thanks God: Steve Jobs.
8:00 PM - Wow. So all the Best Makeup people are sitting next to each other. That's officially the bitchiest corner of the theatre. Lemony Snicket wins.
8:03 PM - Drew makes it through her presenter duties without screwing up. And she had to speak French! Finish your glass.
8:04 PM - Overheard: "How much do you have to drink if you didn't recognize Drew Barrymore?"
8:05 PM - Beyonce sings with the Andy Frain ushers. We kept waiting for Jay-Z to bust a rap break.
8:09 PM - "I'm Cliff and this is my buddy Norm." We love those Vegas commercials.
8:11 PM - Chris Rock hits the streets and talks to Macy Gray's twin, people who loved "White Chicks" and Martin Lawrence gets his first Oscar.
8:14 PM - Scarlett Johansson must be trying to ugly up to get taken seriously as an actress. That's the only explanation for her hair during the Scientific and Technical awards. "Most of the winners are here tonight..." So where else did the guy that invented the Luma crane have to be?
8:15 PM - Pierce Brosnan's been smoking too many Dunhills. If you need to be at the Oscars the next day then lay off the whiskey the night before, Irish.
8:18 PM - Aviator wins for Costume Design. Not to pat ourselves on the back but if you were following our Winning Your Oscar Pool tips, you'd be 5 for 5 right now.
8:19 PM - Tim Robbins shows up with dirt on his lip. Or possibly half a 'stache.
8:22 PM - Cate Blanchett wins for Best Supporting Actress. And that's great because she should have won for Elizabeth but...damn. Sorry, Virginia. There's isn't a Santa Claus this year.
8:25 PM - Michael Ian Black playing rock, paper, scissors. Sweet.
8:26 PM - Johnny Carson gets his own Dead Guy montage. Deserved but couldn't they get anybody else but Whoopi to sing his praises?
8:29 PM - Leo compares the Documentary category to reality TV. Which is true. Because most of the women on The Bachelor were Born Into Brothels.
8:30 PM - WOAH! Born Into Brothels scores an upset in the Best Documentary category.
8:33 PM - A big-bosomed German wins for Best Editing on The Aviator.
8:35 PM - When did one of the guys from Kid and Play become the lead singer of Counting Crows?
8:43 PM - Adam Sandler makes the most awkward award presentation since...his appearance at the Grammys. Sideways wins for Best Adapted Screenplay.
8:46 PM - A bunch of guys who grew up playing Atari games appear onstage for the Best Visual Effects category. Spider-Man 2 wins.
8:49 PM - Mickey Rooney, not actually dead. Who knew?
8:51 PM - Al Pacino presents the The Irving Thalberg Award to Sidney Lumet. That sound you hear is thousands of toilets flushing all over America.
8:54 PM - One of our guests adds 12 Angry Men to his Netflix queue. Overheard: "Make sure not to add the shitty one with Tony Danza."
8:56 PM - Holy cow...Vin Diesel as a Jew in the new Sidney Lumet film!
9:04 PM - As if the Oscars weren't overblown and gaudy enough, Andrew Lloyd Webber performs. Beyonce breaks the record for the most bling ever worn by a single person.
9:09 PM - Can we get a ruling on the Jeremy Irons creepiness factor? Best Live Action Short Film...what a surpise: a WASP wins at the Oscars.
9:12 PM - Sensitive Ponytail Man wins Best Animated Short Film for Ryan.
9:14 PM - Sean Connery in The Rock wins Best Cinematography for The Aviator. Someone sign him up for an Herbal Essences contract because that is some silky-ass hair.
9:20 PM - The award for Sound Mixi....zzzzz......
9:22 PM - Sorry, we dozed off for a second. Ray wins for Sound Mixing. Overheard: "Penelope Cruz doesn't actually know English. She just learns the sounds. Like ABBA."
9:25 PM - The Incredibles wins for Sound Editing. The winner tries to convince himself that "it's not a technical's an artistic decision." Right. That's why the orchestra started playing while your partner was in the middle of his speech.
9:27 PM - Antonio Banderas acts as his own percussion section while singing the song from Motorcycle Diaries. Overheard: "What's with that hair?" "It's sexy." "It's plugs."
9:35 PM - Best Documentary Short goes to Mighty Times. Those who went with the "Vote for the film with the infirmity" rule are pissed that Autism Is A World didn't win.
9:40 PM - Finding Neverland wins Best Original Score for some unknown reason. The John Williams Mafia makes a phone call.
9:41 PM - Is anyone else able to look at anything but those twin warts on that dude's head? Overheard: "Mrs. Johnny Depp looks like she bathes in the blood of children."
9:43 PM - Scorcese gives the Hersholt Humanitarian award to Roger Mayer for restoring classic films. And apparently he's the Screaming Jay Hawkins of film restoration...there's 175 kids in that balcony.
9:47 PM - Annette Bening presents The Dead Guy Montage. Annette: Botox and a mullet do not a classic look make, dear.
9:49 PM - Jerry Orbach...we miss you, dude.
9:55 PM - Diddy does it. Wait a sec...he's introducing the song from The Polar Express? Huh? And then Beyonce with Josh Groban? Wow...ebony and ivory livin' together in perfect harmony.
10:00 PM - Prince announces Best Original Song. We're reminded of those Rick Bayless Burger King commercials. Motorcycle Diaries takes the win.
10:06 PM - Hilary Swank thanks the rest of the nominees as she picks up the Best Actress Statuette. Two drinks! And we're not sure if there's reverse cleavage but take an extra two drinks just in case. The orchestra makes an attempt to play her off but she pulls a Julia and hangs in there.
10:09 PM - An argument breaks out as to what "reverse cleavage" actually is--boobs pulled apart or ass crack. Someone gets pushed.
10:12 PM - We know our jokes are going a little stale but we don't feel so bad after that Sean Penn joke Rock just busted out.
10:14 PM - The Sea Inside won for Best Foreign Film. We're so behind. Damn booze.
10:16 PM - Hope springs eternal as Charlie Kaufman wins Best Original Screenplay for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. He's a writer...this should be a fantastic speech. Um, he thanked his daughter. Wow. We're underwhelmed. Bring an index card next time, Donald.
10:21 PM - You know, it's great that Hilary Swank managed to thank her husband this time but where's the love for Mr. Miyagi? Or some props to 90210?
10:23 PM - Does Johnny Depp have the Prince symbol on his bow tie?
10:25 PM - A guy who once appeared in the movies Bait and Booty Call wins Best Actor. Jamie Foxx goes the class route by thanking Ray Charles. And then he makes it all weird by mentioning that Ray's "in the ground" and thanking his manager. Oprah high-fives someone before he gives it up for Poitier. Hell yeah.
10:30 PM - During some of the boring parts earlier, we were checking this out. What the hell is this? This movie’s so awful-looking that William H. Macy appears to be fading off into the distance like he’s one of Marty McFly’s siblings. Perfect for people who thought National Treasure was “too cerebral.”
10:33 PM - Julia Roberts's boobs present Clint Eastwood with Best Director. Wait a sec...they're presenting Best Director now? Will this thing wrap up before 11 PM CST? We thought Eastwood had a facelift but if his mom's still around maybe we were wrong. Warren Beatty gets a shout-out.
10:36 PM - Dustin Hoffman manages to squeeze into the frame despite Barbra's Streisand's rack. Million Dollar Baby wins Best Picture. Scorcese goes home empty as we get an extreme beard close-up on the guy from Ray.
10:39 PM - Is the producer of Million Dollar Baby related to Harvey Fierstein?
10:40 PM - Wow. Under four hours. Guess they cut out all of Chris Rock's jokes about Paris Hilton. This has been fun, folks. Hope you enjoyed yourselves, we certainly did. Thanks for joining us tonight, especially Jasmine, vit, Jason, Jen, Chad and Mr. X. As we close with the theme from The Terminator, we bid you good night.
10:46 PM - By the way, reverse cleavage has been defined as a glimpse of crack. Sorry, Margaret.