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The Last Chicagoist Post On This Story You Will Ever Read

By Scott Smith in News on Mar 9, 2005 8:23PM

Stefan Wohl, the (former) bus driver for the Dave Matthews Band, pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts: one for reckless endangerment and one for polluting a waterway for dumping 800 pounds of human waste (roughly the equivalent of DMB's recorded musical output) into the Chicago River.

The deal keeps Mr. Wohl out of jail in exchange for 18 months of probation, 150 hours of community service in his home state and a $10,000 fine that will go to the Friends of the Chicago River (who, let’s face it, are making out like bandits on this whole deal when you factor in their share of the $100,000 the DMB donated to their organization and the Park District back in October).

In his plea agreement, Mr. Wohl admitted to doing “bodily harm” to the occupants of the Little Lady architectural boat tour. Asked to clarify the term bodily harm, Asst. State’s Attorney Robert Egan said:

"Nobody was hospitalized, nobody had any broken bones and I personally verified that no one had any long-term illness or lasting effects from it. But a bunch of people on the boat got ill with human waste products."

Apparently, Egan doubled in pre-med and pre-law when he was in school. Now don’t you feel lazy for only taking a minor in Classics?

Coming soon on Fox: He’s a doctor…wait, he’s a lawyer! Stop, you’re both right! It’s Dr. Asst. State’s Attorney M.D. Esquire! Tuesday nights before House at 8/7 Central!

Anyway, we’ve been following this story since it I hate this shit.  Literally.passed broke way back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. While we haven’t exactly brought a fresh insight to it, we have made a couple of really obvious poop jokes because we know that’s what you expect from us. While Mr. Wohl will still have to deal with the pending civil suits, we here at Chicagoist think it’s time to begin the healing process and move on. So go ahead, Chad, and put on your copy of Under The Table and Dreaming while we run this picture of Dave Matthews dressed as a last time. Because it’s morning in America again.