Wholly Shit
By Sam Bakken in News on Mar 23, 2005 11:11PM
Some dipshit has bid is asking for twenty-thousand two hundred and twenty-seven dollars on eBay for a scratched egg deemed both "holy" and "lucky". As you can see in the image at left there are two perpendicular scratches on the surface of the egg's shell. The egg's name is "HOLY CROSS LUCKY EGG". We spelled it out earlier to make sure you got it, but here it is again for those of you with short attention spans—$20,227. Now the family does plan to donate a minimum of $2,000 dollars from the proceeds ($1,000 to a charity of their choice and $1,000 to a charity of your the winning bidder's choice), but come on! If you've got $20,000 to throw at a marred egg with a hole in its back, why not cut your investment in half and buy $10,000 worth of good eggs instead? You could donate them to a shelter. Though we do hear that homeless people EAT eggs instead of keep them as good luck charms, but who's to judge?
Apparently Robert Smith (from Elgin, not England) found the egg while coloring Easter eggs with his family on April 2nd, 1999 (what dem crazy Christians call Good Friday). The Smith family has displayed it every Easter since and credit a number of unexplainable phenomena to the egg's holiness.
These incredible events include:
1. Robert Smith winning $200,000.00 in the Illinois lottery in 2000
2. Robert Smith getting meetings with producers in the television industry
3. Robert Smith's success in the modeling field
4. Robert Smith associating with many celebrities (too many to mention)
5. A misdiagnosis of positive for Craniosyntosis (a condition where the sutures in a babies skull close early) in Robert Smith's infant daughter
The last one sounds more like malpractice than a miracle. But alas, Ghost Daddy In The Sky works in mysterious ways.
Currently the egg is kept in a cheap display box Smith bought at a flea market. The case looks a bit like a miniature tomb. We think you should buy it this instant for its "Buy It Now" price of $50,000 because you could maybe get your hands on it before Sunday morning. Then you can invite us over to your place. We'll bring the oil and spices. At dawn we'll all walk over to the case to anoint the egg, open the top and then notice its unexplainable absence. Then we can spread the good news across the nations! Holy Cross Lucky Egg is risen today!
Correction: As you can see from the editing above, we made a mistake. As GLO so kindly pointed out in the comments, there aren't any bidders yet. The $20,227 is the starting price Smith set for the egg. We are thoroughly embarrassed, and we regret the error.