What Makes A Man, A Man

By Scott Smith in News on May 17, 2005 4:23PM

When voters go to the polls to elect their officials, many factors are weighed. Is the candidate honest? Will he or she keep taxes down? Does this person care about the issues that are important to me? And does the candidate have big balls?

Chicagoist never really considered that last one but according to Governor Blagojevich, that’s exactly what you’ve gotta have as governor: a hearty set of stones. Defending his decision to stop his father-in-law, Chicago Ald. Dick Mell’s, attempts to cash in on his office, Blago said that his actions were right even though they brought a hail of negative publicity and indirectly led to a drop in his poll numbers. In addition, he stated:

“This is the kind of thing that I think, frankly, separates the men from the boys in leadership. Do you have the testicular virility to make a decision like that, knowing what's coming your way and then stick to it, which is what I did, and knowing all of this that we're dealing with now is what we have to deal with? I say I do."

For a moment, let’s leave aside the Gov’s hellacious abuse of the English language and the outright sexism of the statement “separates the men from the boys.” Testicular virility? What the hell does that mean? “That’s right, folks. It takes stones. I think the people of Illinois deserve a man who could fire one across the room if need be. I’ve got strong swimmers, damnit.”

More importantly, is this Blago’s way of belittling the possible gubernatorial candidacy of Judy Baar Topinka, who (one presumes) lacks said virility? Wait a minute...who are we kidding? Judy’s got a set of brass ones if anyone does. We’d take her in 2 out of 3 falls against Blago any day.

This quote also got us thinking about what other qualities Blago thinks an Illinois governor ought to have. Off the top of our head we’re thinking:

Penile erectionality
Gluteal squeezeability
Abdominal sixpackery
Jawline firmity
Hairstyle fabulousness