The Chicagoist will be launching later but in the meantime please enjoy our archives.

Attention Criminals: Get Your Stun Guns NOW!!!

By Sam Bakken in News on Jun 3, 2005 6:19PM

Ring Ring! Hello? BZZZZT!Are you in the market for a Taser or a cell phone stun gun? We know you don't plan to use it to commit a crime. You just need something to keep your toddler under control (rappin' 'em on the knuckles with a yard stick just ain't what it used to be). Did you previously attempt to buy a firearm to discipline your tyke (shooting a handgun in the air really quiets those fuckers down), but were denied because of your criminal past?

If so, get that stun gun quick because Gov. Gonad is expected to approve legislation today that will require that a person trying to purchase a stun gun has a state firearm owner's identification card (requiring a criminal background check). The bill will also require the seller to put the purchase on hold for at least 24 hours.

Well, sounds good. We'd hate to think that even one stun gun could fall into the wrong hands and be used for evil. But, we have to say we're a bit more worried that you can still buy assault weapons and .50-caliber sniper rifles here in Illinois.