Ask Chicagoist: The Dark Side of Softee

By Sarah in Miscellaneous on Jun 23, 2005 3:43AM

I've been told that the guys selling ice cream and corn-dipped-in-mayo from trucks and carts are also selling, er, recreational herbs. Is there any truth to this rumor? Also, who would eat something that had been dipped in mayonnaise that spent all day roasting inside a metal cart?

Sincerely,
Curious In The East Village

Dear Curious:
The good news is that the Fuzz have pretty much zero idea what a great chance this would be... for a coupla kids like us to finally strike it rich. Meet us outside in an hour.

As recent victims of crime ourselves (our bike was stolen last week! we are still complaining!), its a funny feeling to have secretly wanted this hare-brained drug-distribution schema be true. We certainly spent enough near-homicidal days listening to the cloying sound of the ice-cream music, wondering why the truck needs to play that song for so many hours in a row.

But then Ask Chicagoist did some investigative-reporting to our pals at the CPD-- 311, "media relations", and Narcotics ("Hi, Narcotics? Good morning! We'd like a creamsicle, please!") And the Fuzz had next to nothin' to say about Softee's dark side. Instead, we got a whole lotta "Hm, no, haven't really heard about that...do you have an address or a date to investigate?", and not a single comment about the absurd recent innovations in ice cream novelties. Only one 311 operator said something like "yeah, maybe once or twice I heard of that." Seems like the Fuzz don't track crimes based on Food Groups, only by banal facts like date and location. So, if you've got your eye on a Fudgsicle-walla, you can call 311 with a specific location.

So none of this means that those vendors are innocent. No way. It just means they are SMOOTH and CREAMY and ONLY A DOLLAR (or 2?), and getting away with all sorts of things, right under our chocolate-smeared noses.

Vendor licenses are a mere $137, so if anyone is thinking what we're thinking, drop us a line. We can discuss the Business Plan over a King Cone.

Craving a sweet treat? Need some advice? Email Ask(at)Chicagoist.com

P.S. We apologize for ignoring part 2 of your question, but we don't engage in mayonnaise-related conversations. For any reason.