So You Wanna End Up In A Shitty Apartment?

By Scott Smith in Miscellaneous on Jul 14, 2005 9:05PM

We know soyouwanna.com has been around a while so maybe we've just missed this article on how to find an apartment in Chicago all those times when we were looking for info on donating sperm. It's just as well because it's as useless as your appendix.

Most of what's presented here is generic information to consider when renting: how much you want to spend, how to find a roommate, questions to ask the landlord, etc. No crime there. But the specific tips about Chicago apartment-hunting make us think it was written by someone who's never actually rented an apartment here. They fail to list the the Reader's SpaceFinder site, the suggestions for finding a place by walking around seem to be written for a 2nd grade reading level and then there are these tips for picking a neighborhood:

"The Loop itself has three sub-sectors: the South Loop, the West Loop, and Streeterville...The ever-popular Navy Pier is also part of The Loop."

Doesn't The Loop just have one "sector" called, um, The Loop? Those "sub-sectors" are generally called...well, by their names. Or collectively referred to as "downtown" (unless you live in Aurora and then everything from Evanston to Hyde Park is "downtown"). Still, next time we move, we're so looking at rental properties on Navy Pier. Maybe next to the IMAX.

"If regular violence and gang crossfire don't bother you, we recommend The South Side of Chicago (which is divided up into smaller towns)..."

Nice stereotype. And if they're smaller towns, aren't they no longer part of Chicago?

The North Side begins to wander slightly further away from the actual downtown area, but it's a bit quieter than the rest of the sectors...

Again with the sectors! Is this an apartment guide for Chicago 2035 as seen from space? And if anyone sees the North Side wandering away, please call 311 and notify the city, hmm?

The West Side of Chicago is where suburbia begins to meld into the city system...Our advice is that you opt for an apartment on the Near West Side.

Thank goodness there are no gangs or guns on the West side like that awful South Side.