An Open Letter To Vincent Anthony Vaughn

By Erin in Arts & Entertainment on Jul 15, 2005 6:09PM

Dear Vince,

Well here we are. Opening day of "Wedding Crashers," a movie that has been so heavily promoted Chicagoist is starting to wonder if you and The Butterscotch Stallion get a cut for every billboard, poster, or mention of your sweet, sweet name as it falls from our lips.

[Confidential to mainstream media types: Stop fucking calling Owen Wilson "The Butterscotch Stallion" as if he assigned himself that moniker or you all thought it up yourselves. Its origins are from Defamer and every single time one of you refers to him as such THE ENTIRE INTERNET LAUGHS AT YOU. Eric Ferguson of "Eric and Kathy" fame? Chicagoist is looking at you.]

We're totally pumped about this movie and it's not solely because we've been programmed into believing that everything that you, the Wilson boys, Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller put on the big screen is comedy gold, though we admit that's part of it. Mainly we're excited because:

1) Chicagoist views it as your very own Coming Out party, the beginning of what we predict to be the dawning of The Vince Vaughn Era in Chicago -- one marked with witty quips, cheap beer, men with just enough of a lovehandle for us to have something to hold on to and a blessed end to the John Cusak-Jeremy Piven reign of self-important terror; and

2) Chicagoist thinks you're wicked hot.

We know that the reviews for Crashers have been mixed but what do they know anyway? Come now. Rest your meaty, glorious noggin up against our heaving, slightly-bigger-than-Aniston's-and-with-just-as-much-nip bosom and worry not one bit about those naysayers: Chicaogist gets you. We need you. You need us. YOU NEED US.

Spend the weekend with Chicagoist and we will kiss it and make it all better, everywhere it counts:

First, it's only right that we stop by Old St. Patrick's World's Largest Block Party, tonight and tomorrow from 5 until 10:30 p.m. It's probably risky for Chicagoist to take you to the city's biggest hookup event of the year but we don't care. Admission includes five drink tickets, baby.

Of course, we can always head on over to the 12th annual Rock Around The Block, even though we're not staying for the damn Spin Doctors but Chicagoist has heard you're a fan of Old 97s, which means we were destined for each other and we'll make beautiful babies together.

We've told you about Intonation this week, but we can also head on over to BenFest where the ever-saucy Anne Harris is slated to play on Saturday night and Chicagoist can't get enough of her.

There is always the 26th annual Chinatown Summer Fair, which promises a lion dance procession and it's free.

After brunch on Sunday, we should head on over to the 47th annual Dearborn Garden Walk and Heritage Festival before returning together to your new place in River North and plan our upcoming wedding.

Because YOU NEED US, Vince. YOU NEED US. You know what Mariah says: WE BELONG TOGETHER.