Illinois: Terrorist Outfitter

By Sam Bakken in News on Jul 19, 2005 8:30PM

You know all those items agents steal from passengers during security checks at Midway and O'Hare? They're for sale on the Illinois Department of Central Management Service's I-BIDonline auction site.

Need a box o' knives for your next stabbing party? You've only got three days to beat knifecrazy's bid of $250.07. And we'd really rather you had those knives than a person that chooses the name "knifecrazy". We imagine knifecrazy as an overweight man that wears nothing but stained briefs. And if he wins, the day his package arrives he'll sit in his living room grabbing handfuls of the knives, throwing them up into the air, as a billionaire would hundred dollar bills, and repeatedly screaming, "I'm just KUH-CRAZZEE over KNIVES!"

But maybe you're more of a scissor fetishist. Don't fret! Illinois has got you covered. There are two boxes o' scissors to bid on. You can also bid on multi-tools and sunglasses.

Last year, the state made $33,600 selling items confiscated from travelers at Illinois airports. The site has made the state approximately $610,000 since it started in August 2003. But that number includes state vehicles, office supplies, computers and apparently even a helicopter.