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Amateur Chef Holy Grail

By Anonymous in Food on Aug 22, 2005 2:35AM

2005_08_colleenhines_KitchenAid Mixer Have you ever had one of those moments like in the movies, where everything suddenly starts moving in slow motion and you can’t believe what you’ve just heard? Like when the call is coming from inside the house? That was me, when our mother recently told us she procured a KitchenAid mixer. That she got. For $60.00. Retail. Through a series of events we won’t go into here.

Since our parents were in town and paying for lunch, we decided not to go Carrie on their asses and instead, we ordered another martini and plotted how to get one of our own for cheap. Our brother had a great recommendation: Wait about six months and our parents will have put it in the back of the pantry with all the other equipment they had to have but never use. Then during a weekend visit, sneak it into the car and leave with it. When they start asking themselves where it is, they’ll do that thing where they’ll wonder if they really did buy it or were just thinking about it, and then one of them will conclude they sold it in the garage sale, along with the rest of our childhood memories. Serves him right for being stupid enough to keep his childhood memories of Star Wars out in the open of the basement, not packed into the depths of the crawl space like Malibu Barbie and Tiffany Taylor currently were, flowered corvette included. After one faked attempted (which was really funny, watching a harried mother looking all over the house for her KitchenAid, which was hidden during a Corona-induced joking spree), we realized we’d have to bide our time.

Now, we aren’t really the kind of people to put a high importance on name-brand items. We drove the same Nissan Stanza (a.k.a. “Old Betty”) for 10 years before succumbing to a car payment. We just recently got cable, DSL, and an MP3 player that still hasn’t been loaded with music (we’re working on it). Not interested in Dooney & Burke bags or low-rider pants (people, they cross you at the widest part of your body, not a good look at all!!!!). But bloody hell, we wanted that KitchenAid mixer, in Empire Red, with the tilt-back (not really hand-crank kind of people...insert your own joke here). We planned to design a kitchen around it, you know, once the kitchen belonged to us and we weren’t sharing walls and ceilings with people anymore. We’ve actually seen kitchens set up so that the mixer has its own cabinet, and rises on its own platform extension when needed, then floats back down when the chef is done with it. My God, people, Chicagoist’s gotta have it! Pay no attention to the fact that the current hand mixer only comes out for mashed potatoes, and even they turn out lumpy.

During a recent birthday celebration, we were given money towards one that we could get for about $200. Plus, someone knew someone who might have been getting rid of one...yadda yadda. We hemmed and hawed. Then, the call came. A friend called with the news: Get your sorry ass on, they have factory-reconditioned ones, including Empire Red on sale. Never spent money so quickly in my entire life, $125 with free delivery (super saver shipping). Thanks, friend, we’ll make you something delicious for the holidays, we swear!

It arrived about a week later, unexpectedly while we were engrossed in book (okay, an HGTV rerun). We opened it and we swear we heard angels singing “ahhhh” as we gazed upon it. It may have even glowed a little bit. So shiny on the counter, where we leave it in case neighbors walk by and see it in the window. Oh, to be the envy of our neighbors, coworkers, fellow amateur chefs. We are going to make everything in that thing, including our morning bowl of Cheerios. Now, our job is to find a KitchenAid recipe that uses the mixer for the most amount of time possible...stayed tuned!