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When Humans Attack

By Matt Wood in News on Sep 26, 2005 3:40PM

CPD in riot gearMaybe it was the change of weather. Maybe people were distraught over the Bears' embarrassing loss or stressed out by the Sox pennant race. Maybe they were still pissed about Marshall Field's becoming Macy's. But for whatever reason, some crazy shit happened in Chicago this weekend.

The fun started on Friday, when Stephen Shult of Arlington Heights got into an argument with his wife and her friend. The fight escalated and the women tried to leave, but Shult attacked them with a samurai sword. He hacked his wife's friend on her arm and neck, then plunged the sword into her chest. Fortunately she survived and is recovering in the hospital. Mr. Ninja Turtle is being held on $750,000 bond for attempted murder.

On Saturday, three women were fighting in Rogers Park when a police officer tried to break it up. But Lolita Gonzalez, the oldest of the three, had a better idea and chased the officer with pepper spray. She has been charged with felony aggravated battery of a police officer, resisting arrest, and obstruction of an officer.

Also on Saturday, a Bridgeview teenager drove a Chrysler Sebring through the front of the DMV as she was taking her licensing exam. Apparently she was trying to park, but hit the gas instead of the brake. No one was hurt, but Chicagoist presumes she didn't pass.

And in the weekend's title bout, five cousins started a brawl that led to three of them getting stabbed in the middle of LaSalle street near the Moody Bible Institute. Two of the men approached another in his car, then turned on the other two after they pulled in an SUV. The first guy came back to help the latecomers, then all hell broke loose. Fighting continued in the street until a police officer on the scene drew his gun. All three stabbing victims are in good condition at Northwestern Hospital. The other two will not be invited to Thanksgiving.

Cops will tell you that they always see the weirdest shit when the moon is full, but we're three weeks away from the next one. So Chicagoist is hoping that by then the Sox are still in the playoffs and the Bears have won their next two games, or else we're staying home that weekend.