Come Back Here So That I May Brain Thee

By Matt Wood in News on Oct 6, 2005 4:10PM

Two men who performed as knights at Medieval Times in Schaumburg are suing the company for firing them after they suffered injuries and filed for worker's compensation. James Killis filed suit back in 2004 after sustaining numerous injuries, mostly from falling off horses during the staged jousts. He claims he was fired after he applied for worker's comp. Garret Bonham recently filed a similar suit that also claims Medieval Times violated the Americans with Disabilities Act by not providing him with another job, say scooping up horse shit, when he couldn't ride horses and beat the crap out of other people with sticks.

A company lawyer from the firm Holland & Knight (naturally) disputed the charges. "Thy claims have no merit. These dastardly charges reek of a foul stench from the depths of Hades," said chief barrister Michael Ranallo. "We spit upon thine allegations most heinous, and shall defend our honor upon the glory of our kingdom."

Killis and Bonham tell a different story of dangerous stunts, painful falls, and threats from management that they would lose their jobs if they filed such claims. "Mine arse acheth and mine head pounds. The vile lords of Medieval Times Castle treateth us like dogs, and ignoreth the valor of Lord Killis and myself," said Bonham. He said he felt he needed to file suit to protect future generations of play actors who wish to accept no responsibility for taking a job in which they ride horses at full speed indoors and get their asses kicked on a daily basis. "I must defend the honor of the youthful squires," he said. "The armies of Schaumburg march into battle under mine direction, and thine safety depends upon this most noble weapon, the class action lawsuit."