The Chicagoist will be launching later but in the meantime please enjoy our archives.

This Weekend in Stupid

By Matt Wood in News on Oct 10, 2005 2:39PM

HandcuffsThe hits keep coming--this weekend we have an ex-baseball player with rage issues, some kids who didn't know their parents knew about the internet, and a doctor who likes to do things the hard way:

  • Former Major League Baseball player Scott Spiezio and his girlfriend were charged with assaulting a cab driver after he dropped them off at the Westin Hotel downtown. Spiezio, who was released this summer from the Seattle Mariners after 10 seasons in the majors, including a starting role on the 2002 World Series champion Angels, reportedly argued with the cabbie over the fare. During the argument, his girlfriend reached through the partition for Spiezio's credit card and broke the driver's glasses. When police came, the driver also accused the two of stealing his cell phone. The police called the driver's phone number, and guess where it rang: in the girlfriend's purse.

  • Up to 70 student athletes from Schaumburg High School and Conant High School in Hoffman Estates will be suspended from a quarter of the upcoming seasons' games for drinking. The boozing didn't sound like anything outrageous, but the students were caught because they posted pictures of their parties on

  • A doctor hoping to become an anesthesiologist at Mercy Hospital was arrested Sunday after police found him with $5,300 worth of crystal meth and two unregistered handguns in his apartment. Dr. Helmut Ahlert, apparently known to his patients as "Dr. Feelgood," was supposed to start his new job at Mercy this month. Obviously he didn't realize that as an anesthesiologist, you have ready access to all the good drugs, and you don't need guns to buy drugs on the street made from cold pills, gasoline, sulfuric acid, and ammonia.