The Trainwreck That Is American Idol

By Rachelle Bowden in Arts & Entertainment on Jan 18, 2006 3:50PM

Last night Chicagoist excitedly sat down with the Tivo and a beer (drink every time someone cries or says "I don't care what the judges say, I'm gonna be a superstar!") to watch the season premiere of American Idol. This show, like the early shows in other seasons, was the goof show where they highlighted more freaks and people with absolutely no talent, than people that actually went on to Hollywood. The entire 2 hours highlighted the Chicago auditions.

So far, we don't think we've seen this season's William Hung. You know, the contestant so bad that their audition is played all over the internet and they become a celebrity. We did find barefoot "Crazy Dave" who can talk to animals, the chick from Peotone who swore like a sailor, and the grandmother who reamed Simon to be pretty amusing.

But, our favorite, by far, was the supertan 16-year-old from Palatine, Crystal Parizanski. Simon didn't want to hear her sing, or hear where she was from or why she was there. He just kept asking her about her tan. It was orange. And she was like "Well.. uh.. I go to the tanning bed." This chick had a bag of rocks in her head instead of a brain. She just didn't get it. Of course, she sang terribly. At the end of her audition she was blabbering incoherently about her style and how proud her mom was of her. They asked for her mom to come in, they thought they could scold her for her daughter's look, but when mommy entered the room: Woof! We didn't think it could get worse, but her mom was even more of a trainwreck and had an even shorter skirt than her daughter was wearing. We love it! Two more hours of auditions tonight!