Chews News
By Scott Smith in News on Mar 29, 2006 8:40PM
We know this sounds like something that would show up in your spam folder, but we swear this is a real news story. Chewing gum will help you lose weight, reduce stress and help you focus during the day. Yet if all this is true, why wasn’t Ditka skinny, relaxed and erudite during the 1980s?
It should come as little surprise that this “news” comes courtesy of Chicago-based chewing gum manufacturer Wrigley Co., makers of such fine products as Juicy Fruit, Big Red and Doublemint. (Speaking of Doublemint, what’s the deal with the new ad campaign? Bring back the tennis-playing hotties!)
Wrigley is so sure that gum is magic, they’ve created the Wrigley Science Institute, “an international advisory panel of scientists and research experts” who probably stand around in white coats, sport unruly facial hair and play with a lot of bottles of colored liquid with dry ice pouring out of them.
It’s just another example of the powerful influence the gum lobby yields in this country. We can only imagine what might happen if Wrigley’s hooks up with Gumlink*, the leader in the business to business (B2B) market for chewing gum. The company notes other benefits to chewing gum like "it can be chewed discretely” and “its active ingredients are rapidly absorbed in the membranes of the oral cavity.”
We’ve spent most of the day at the Chicagoist R&D labs, chewing as much gum as we can get our teeth on. Unfortunately, our ass looks to be about the same size, and our mind continues to preoccupy itself with thoughts of the old-looking dude on American Idol. Perhaps it’s because the research that such claims are based on is specious, at best. And by specious, we mean non-existent.
Still, it hasn’t stopped Wrigley from putting together a glossy, 48-page report titled “The Benefits of Chewing.” Representatives of Skoal, Copenhagen and Rooster were unavailable for comment on a similar proposed campaign “The Benefits of Chewin’, Pickin’, and Grinnin’.”
* We're pretty sure it's a joke.
Image: cockeyed.com