But Does It Cause Anal Leakage??

By Alicia Dorr in News on Apr 5, 2006 5:42PM

One day after a major European company got out of the aspartame business, a federal study was released that found consuming the sweetener does not, in fact, increase your chances of getting cancer. That seems like good news, because we love us some diet soda.

The study, which monitored the diets of more than a half a million Americans over five years, found no link between the sweetener and the cancers that did end up developing among the test group. Independent and interested groups alike agree that the study is "reassuring"—especially since the sweetener is in everything from candy to medicines. Everyone was on edge after Italian researchers linked the substance to cancer in female rats last year, but now there seems to be a collective sigh of relief.

Well—not from everyone. Some still point to previous studies that found the cancer-aspartame links—and the links to blood problems, memory loss and even Alzheimer's—saying they don't really, uh, trust the federal study.

And they are a part of a long tradition of not trusting the federal government about aspartame. Many moons ago, when little Donnie Rumsfeld was just a former congressdude from Skokie and businessman with interests in G. D. Searle and Co. (a company that helped get aspartame into sweet products near you), he helped get aspartame on the market despite the FDA's, shall we say ... reluctance. But, hell, reluctance never means anything where there's money at stake! But we're sure that's not the case this time.

So, Chicago's own NutraSweet has a little less to worry about now because the study proves that aspartame is no olestra, fen-phen or ephedra. Right? Right? Oh, whatever, as long as everyone can enjoy the sweet bubbly goodness of diet pop.