This Week in Stupid

By Joanna Miller in News on May 26, 2006 4:36PM

It’s Memorial Day weekend, and most of us will celebrate it by gorging on barbecued goodness and large amounts of beer. But, as always, things can get a little out of hand when the party goes too far. Check out This Week in Stupid’s guide to how not to celebrate. And have a safe and happy holiday.

• No matter how drunk you are or how funny it seems, you shouldn’t let your dog drink. Especially if it’s a five-month-old Chihuahua puppy. (Drunk Chihuahuas make bad fashion choices.) If you are drunk enough to give your dog a glass of wine, you probably shouldn’t be driving. Definitely not in the middle of the day. And certainly not to pick your kids up from school.
• We understand that you have needs, and sometimes you really just want to kiss someone. But unless you’re a teenage boy, you should not be kissing teenage girls on train platforms. Or anywhere, for that matter. That’s called assault, and it will land you in jail. And that’s no place to spend your holiday.
• Sometimes things get really crazy. Like when you’re just having one of those nights and you decide to steal a woman’s purse at gunpoint. This, by the way, is a sign that your party has taken a very bad turn and you need to go home. What you don’t need to do is take pictures of yourself on the camera phone you found inside the purse and then try to have it activated at a cell-phone store. The nice people at the store will take it away from you. And the police will know who you are.
• Then there are those days when you need to do something big. Something epic. You’re hanging out at the carnival in Aurora early in the morning, sipping your breakfast flask, when it hits you. There’s this carousel and you absolutely have to have it. You can just picture it in your backyard. OK so it’s your mom’s backyard and you’re 45, but whatever, it’s going to be awesome. And you know what, screw it. If you’re that crazy, we’re not going to talk you out of it. Just steal the damn thing. But you’ll have to stop for gas a lot and if you steal the gas, the cops are going to catch up to you a lot sooner.

DSC04786 via Wyscan