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America’s Got An Ass That Goes Pow

By Scott Smith in News on Jun 29, 2006 7:27PM

We here at Chicagoist have pretty much checked out of the whole reality TV thing. But we still support the home team, which is why we ended up watching Chicago burlesque performer Michelle “Toots” L’Amour 2006_06_lamour.jpgon last night’s "America’s Got Talent."

Toots L’Amour performs locally with the Lavender Cabaret and was the subject of a Chicagoist interview once upon a time. And speaking of once upon a time, L’Amour took to the NBC stage last night dressed, temporarily, as Snow White before beginning a burlesque striptease routine that would make a bulldog hug a hound.

While judges David “Oily Chest” Hasselhoff and Piers “I’m British, Therefore This Is Classy” Morgan were thrilled with Toots’ talent, there’s one group of people that can’t stand pretty girls who get all the attention and that’s other pretty girls who used to get all the attention. Proof positive came when judge Brandy Norwood (nee just Brandy) pounded on the other judges’ buzzers to stop Michelle’s performance. She was less than pleased, but since she was outvoted 2 to 1, Toots will advance to the next round. She's lovely and gracious so we couldn't be happier for her.

Unfortunately, some posters at the NBC message boards have been up in arms over this supposedly scandalous violation of good taste. One poster in particular named Joe98383 was particularly stricken: “The respect that I did have for David Hasselhoff has been lost.” We felt the same way after Knight Rider 2000, yo. Furthermore, Joe states: “I found no hummer in it and that is a disgrace to America.” Frankly, we think it’s unfair of Joe to blame America just because he can’t find a hummer. Try hitting Estelle’s at 3 a.m. like everybody else, Joe. 2006_06_whatthehell.jpgThere’s plenty of hummerous behavior there.

Most of the other arguments are of the “but what about the children!” variety. Strangely, no one has made any mention of this guy, who offended us because, holy hell, no respectable person wears silver lame with angels’ wings before 10 p.m.

We hope this lesson in how to woo reality star judges has been noted by Chicagoan Matt Hoffer, who will be a contest on "Rockstar: Supernova," which premieres July 5th. We hear Jason Newstead is partial to stripteases involving Alice in Wonderland.

Images via the America's Got Talent website at