Monkey Freakout

By Jocelyn Geboy in Miscellaneous on Sep 1, 2006 6:24PM

Even though this story is a few days old, we can't get it out of our head. And so much like an earworm, we thought that by sharing it, we'd give it to you and get rid of it for good*.

This week, a girl was attacked by a spider monkey in Portage Park. At first, we had visions of cartoonish antics: the monkey beating the girl about the head for a banana; the monkey throwing peanuts at the girl; the monkey throwing a fit because the girl tried to dress it in some horrific outfit.

However, our interest in the story was increased tenfold when we were walking past the scrolling marquee outside the ABC studios at Lake and State (where we also caught a typo), and saw that the girl was listed in critical condition. What? A monkey attacks a girl, and now she is in critical condition? Holy shit.

Turns out the monkey went ... well, the monkey lost its mind and bit the girl. Badly. The monkey bit her arm all the way to the bone. Yipes. Monkeys are legal in Chicago with the proper permits, but the people who owned the monkey didn't have any permits for it. Sgt. Ramos of Animal Control, had some insight into the situation: “Monkeys are very smart animals. If you mess with them, they will mess with you." Kind of like of cheerleaders in the wild.

What he apparently didn't have insight into is why people insist on having wild animals in. their. homes. We have always been very confused about this. We love animals -- a lot. We hate to see them caged up in zoos (yet find ourselves intrigued by them at the same time), but just don't think a cage in a house in Portage Park is exactly normal living conditions for a spider monkey. It always seems like these sorts of situations end up in disaster, just like the kids in the movies who decide to stay in the old-ass cabin in the forest, get a little tipsy, and then wander down by the lake when they hear a noise. C'mon!

So, we send our well-wishes to the girl for a speedy recovery and our warnings to any other families who think it would be "cute" to get a monkey as a pet.

*Our friend, Kelly, swears that you can get anything out of your head by singing "Grand Old Flag" to yourself. Does anyone else have any surefire cures for having Ace of Base's "The Sign" stuck in your head? How about the 90's abysmal gift to the third ring of music hell -- "Hooch?"

Image via The Black Azar.