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I'm a Monster!!

By Chuck Sudo in Miscellaneous on Sep 25, 2006 8:25PM

2006_09_MSD.jpgDid you know that there are 57 different sizes of condoms? True fact. That means that there are at least 57 different sizes of penises, ranging from "pudding snack cup" to "Rasputin wasn't a man". And still a large percentage of the male population think that they need that little extra push off the cliff.

If you are the type of guy who is a little insecure about the size of his "baby's arm", nothing we say is going to change your mind. We will, however, offer two small nuggets of advice. First, if you are going to see about having your penis size increased, don't have the procedure performed by an octogenarian former heart surgeon who can barely hold a scalpel (depending on where you work, this may or may not be safe).

This morning's Sun-Times ran a story about Dr. Sheldon Burman, the founder of the MSD Clinic, an abattoir of masculinity located in our old Northwest Side childhood stomping grounds. "MSD", by the way, stands for "Male Sexual Dysfunction", although with the rash of malpractice claims filed against Burman (45 and counting), it could just as well stand for "my scary-looking ding-a-ling". Guaranteeing an increase of one-half inch in length and a fifty percent increase in penile thickness, Burman and his crack (smoking?) team essentially helped men change their penis size from "pudding snack cup" to "rusty, dented tuna can". The sheer number of malpractice claims against Burman were enough for state medical officials to start the process of revoking Burman's medical license. Burman still stands by the thouands of procedures he's done since 1981. Which means that there's a possible regiment of men with hunchbacked tallywhackers living among us, still trying in vain to stretch it to eleven.

That second bit of advice? Stop worrying so much about your thunder. If you're that damn concerned about pleasing your lady (or man), get some skills. Take up snorkeling, or buy those stress-relieving balls you find in Chinatown gift shops. You're grown-ass men, and "foreplay equals more play". Remember that.