Turkey Fest to Keep Its Balls, Turkeys to Continue to Lose Theirs

By Scott Smith in News on Oct 20, 2006 4:02PM

Good news out of Fort Myers, Fla. this morning: the town’s annual Turkey Testicle Festival will be allowed to keep its name. And they just may have an Illinois town to thank for it.

The Fort Myers town council voted 4-1 to keep the word “testicle” in the town’s annual ode to Tom Turkey’s twins, which raises money for a local food bank. When asked to comment, a representative for the local food bank said “We sure were grateful the vote went our way. It’s bad enough we have to accept the fest’s leftovers so we don’t seem ungrateful. But beggars can’t be choosers, you know?”

Fort Myers officials supported the vote by citing festivals containing the word “testicle” in 12 cities, including nearby Byron, IL, which busted some turkey nuts last weekend. A brief sampling of some of the others:

• Testicles on Bicycles: The 12th Annual Nude Celebrity Cycling Championship (a.k.a. The Tour De No Pants)
• The 14th Annual Winter Carnival of Testicle Icicles
• Mystikal’s Testical Hip-Hop Festival, sponsored by the Lousiana State Prison System
• The Early Detection Below Your Erection Festival of Testicle Fondling to Prevent Man Cancer (sponsored by Viagra with special appearance by Mike Ditka)
• Governor Blago’s Weekend of Testicular Virility featuring Manly Games of Skill

Chicagoist is familiar with the delicacy (a term Webster’s defines as “something you would never eat, but is enjoyed by the noveau riche and drunken frat boys”) of bull’s testicles – a.k.a Rocky Mountain oysters or prairie oysters – but this is the first we’ve heard of consuming turkey testicles. We had no idea our lives were so empty. Our research reveals that turkey testicles are also referred to as “gobbler clams” though we think the terms “feathered apples” or “gooseberries” have a lot more zing to them.

Luckily, the town of Huntley, IL holds its own turkey tater tasting festival every year and it's coming up next month. The deep-friend goodness is served up on Wednesday, November 22nd at the Parkside Pub. To get there, take I-90 West to Route 47 and follow it north to Huntley until you've lost your dignity.

If you go, be sure to pick up this gooseberry-related “emo” sweatshirt on Ebay, which is advertised as “perfect for Thanksgiving.” Right. If you want your grandmother to cut you out of the will, it’s spot-on.