Saving Ryan's Privates

By Matt Wood in News on Oct 25, 2006 2:51PM

In nine years, a certain suburban Chicago man will be able to decide for himself whether he wants to be circumcised when he turns 18, thanks to a Cook County judge's ruling yesterday. Chicagoist isn't normally a betting man, but we'd say odds are 1,000,000-to-1 it won't happen.

The divorced father of a nine-year-old boy (the family is unnamed for privacy reasons, but we'll assume his name is Ryan so our headline makes sense) successfully won his fight in court yesterday to keep his son from being whacked. The boy's mother wanted him to have the procedure to prevent recurring infections. Dad said the operation would cause his son physical and psychological harm, and the judge agreed, calling it "an extraordinary medical procedure as it relates to a nine-year-old child. Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory. Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered lunch?"

Okay, that last part might have been Kramer from "Seinfeld," but we appreciate the sentiment. Chicagoist was a little nervous when our son had the procedure too. Of course, it didn't help when the pediatrician looked at the results afterwards and said, "Oh good, they did a nice job. You got lucky, some of those guys are butchers."